“Confident. Eloquent. Put together. Loud. Intimidating.”
Do you fit this description?
Apparently, I do.
I found this sheet while cleaning up after a recent workshop. The participants had been asked to reflect on the first impression they had of me when I walked into the room (and, later, their own).
First impressions are powerful. Within milliseconds, people decide whether they like us, trust us, and want to work with us.
There’s a study in Vanessa Van Edwards book “Captivate” where students rate professors almost identically in the first two seconds of seeing them as they do at the end of the semester. Two seconds. That’s how fast our brain is in deciding if you look capable, likeable and trustworthy.
In negotiations, we want all of that.
You want to be seen as powerful, but also likeable. Personable, but still respectable.
Because how people treat you depends on that first read. How much they respect you. Listen to you. Whether they’re persuaded by your arguments.
You could say the exact same thing as someone else, but if they carry more perceived respect, their words will have more weight (just look at the studies on women making the same points as men…)
I get described with those words – confident, loud, intimidating – often. Especially in groups where people are my age or younger.
Let’s break them down:
Confident? Love it. Spot on. Confidence is what others need to see in you to believe in what you’re saying – and want you on their team.
Loud? Fine by me. I am loud. As trainer I am there to command the room. And let’s be honest, cultural context matters. Next to some of my Brazilian or US friends, I look like a schoolgirl. But in Asia or parts of Europe? I am a roaring tiger. 🐯
Intimidating? That one still makes me pause.
Good thing? Bad thing?
Strong women get labeled as intimidating a lot. I’ll never forget when my husband’s friends first met me. One of them whispered to him: “Great catch, man – but phew, she’s quite something.” (My husband never understood what they meant. That’s why we’re married. 😄)
Over the years, the pattern repeated. In meetings. With friends. In new work relationships. Same reaction.
At first, I was confused. Me? Intimidating?
I cry at almost every Pixar movie. I crack jokes like a drunken sailor. I laugh in every second sentence. I’m not even a very direct speaker. I suffer from imposter syndrome like every other self-reflective high achiever.
The Blessing and Curse of Competence Cues
According to Vanessa Van Edwards’ Charisma Scale, “intimidating” often comes from sending out strong competence cues, with not quite enough warmth to balance it.
I started my trainer career at 27. I was knocking on law firm doors, trying to convince older, white, male lawyers that I -a young woman -could teach them something valuable. Let’s just say, I had to dial up my competence to a hundred.
Everything I did or said had to scream: I know what I’m doing.
But warmth?
I’m Austrian. I grew up as “child labour” on a vineyard (read that with some sarcasm, friends from non-sarcastic cultures ;). Let’s just say signaling warmth isn’t exactly a core strength of mine. 😄
Add a loud voice, 3 cups of coffee, 180cm of pure energy, and a posture that doesn’t hide my love for a good weights workout .. and boom. You’ve got an intimidation storm. In the eyes of others at least.
From intimidation to intimacy
So what did I do about it? I believe every unique feature you have can and should be used to your advantage by modulating it and finding the right space to apply it.
Here is what I made out of my “intimidating” features.
Step A: I didn’t tone down my competence cues. At all.
I leaned in. Louder? Yes. More energy? Absolutely. Flats? Never. Loose tops to hide I lift weights? Why would I? Unapologetically badass, my girlfriends call it.
Is it the fastest way to be likeable? No. But it is the fastest way to be respected.
(Women are raised to prioritize likeability. Big mistake.)
But here is the key one:
Step B: I adjust warmth as needed.
Adding warmth to competence is the ultimate Charisma formula that
melts hearts and creates strong relationships.
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Negotiating with an older male client? → Medium warmth. I need respect first, then connection.
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Introducing my new intern? → Max warmth. They need to feel welcome and seen.
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Training associates? → Medium warmth. Earn their attention and respect first, then dial it up to help them open up.
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Training partners? → Low to medium warmth first. Then more, once mutual respect is established.
There’s always warmth. Always. A genuine smile. A little small talk. A proper handshake.
But only after I’ve established the level of respect I need to achieve my goal in the situation – then I dial up the warmth.
Realizing how to combine my competence and warmth cues for the right signals in the right situation has been a GAME CHANGER!
(For more on that, make sure to get “Cues” by Vanessa Van Edwards.)
I didn’t choose to come across as intimidating. At first, I was scared of it. Even a little ashamed.
But now?
I lean into it. I harness it. I balance it – depending on my goals in the situation.
If a little intimidation gets my negotiation partners to sit up straighter, or makes my workshop participants listen a little closer, then leave the room with more clarity, better tools, and a little fire in their belly?
I’ll take that. Every time.
Because what I add in warmth leaves them beaming with excitement and personal connection, without me losing any of their respect.
If you have been labeled as too much, too loud or intimidating, this is for you!
Own your strengths. Balance them. Don’t apologize for them.
You don’t need to shrink to be successful. You need to show up as the full competent you – clearly, powerfully, and with purpose. Then adjust warmth as needed.
And watch the magic 🙂
To your negotiation success!
Your Negotiation Whisperer
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