What you will learn today: The role of mirror neurons in negotiation; how to sway someone elses negative energy; the power of being the strongest energy in the room
There is one key insight I have gained from many negotiation dynamics, especially when they go in a direction that you don’t want them to go:
The strongest energy in the room will determine the energy in the room.
Here is the story about me trying to get preferential treatment with an Austrian passport authority to show you what I mean:
A couple of years ago, I had to get my passport renewed. It was quite urgent since I had a work trip coming up, and I was hoping to get the passport authority to prioritize it and also send it to my house instead of me having to pick it up.
I walked in ready to negotiate for this special treatment on a Monday morning as the first customer. The lady I was assigned to was not a (Monday) morning person, to put it mildly.
She didn’t even look at me.
Her replies were monosyllabic at best.
No matter how bubbly, friendly, and appreciative I was, she radiated an aura of darkness.
For about 10 minutes (that felt like an hour), I went on in my friendly bubbly monologue, trying everything to lift her mood. It seemed hopeless.
In my mind, I was ready to give up (“I am not going to turn this ‘Debbie Downer’ around“, I thought). But I had nothing to lose, so I kept going.
After maybe 15 minutes, suddenly something flipped. It was almost like a switch that had turned on a light inside of her. Suddenly, she started chatting with me:
“Oh, why do you have so many stamps in your passport? What do you do?”
“Where are you from?” “Oh, my niece also went to school there!“
She was a completely different person.
By the end of our interaction, I had gotten everything I wanted. On the way out, she even tapped me on the shoulder!! (Important cultural note here for those who go “So what?”: Austrians are not known to be ‘touchy’ like this)
What does this story teach us about negotiation?
You always have power over the energy in the room.
Your behaviour and your reactions directly impact how the other person will treat you. It’s called “Mirror Neurons”.
Mirror Neurons are special brain cells that mirror what we observe, helping us to better connect and empathize with others. Basically, people are subconsciously hardwired for reciprocity. You treat me well, and I treat you well. You treat me badly, and I treat you badly (of course there are always exceptions, but this is the basic premise).
Understanding and consciously using this helps you in two ways in negotiations.
1) Be the stronger energy to get your negotiation on the right track.
A negotiator who radiates a strong collaborative energy and models traits of win-win negotiators (e.g. active listening, interest-based questions, information exchange) has a good chance of inspiring the same behaviour in the negotiation counterpart.
2) Safeguard your tough negotiations from hitting the wall.
People often ask me, “What do I do if the other side is stonewalling or is not negotiating collaboratively?“
Same thing here! You can never change the other person! Your biggest factor of influence is YOU:
- You can stay calm and not respond in kind when they treat you disrespectfully, aggressively, or dismissively-
- You can model the way to get the negotiation back on a productive track by listening attentively, asking questions about their priorities, sharing yours, and looking for better ways to come to an agreement.
It may take time (like with my Debbie Downer), but it’s your best (and often only) chance to influence them (and not allow the negotiation to spiral into negative behaviour on both sides). It always takes two to tango, and the main problem is not, that they start out competitive, but how you respond to it (which, based on your mirror neurons, is typically in kind).
At the same time, this kind of self-control can be the hardest thing in the world in the face of an adverse counterpart. Your mirror neurons also make you want to respond in kind, and why should you be appreciative and collaborative with someone who is not?
Because it can save your negotiation!
Remember: The power is yours.
You can sway any mood by just being the strongest energy in the room.
It may just take time.
To your negotiation success!
Yours,
To your success!
Your Negotiation Whisperer
