“Cognitive Dissonance” – The key to getting your way with people in negotiations

What you will learn today: how being appreciative of the person on the other side helps you get what you want; how to create “cognitive dissonance”; how to balance being soft on the person and hard on the problem

The 2nd pillar of the Harvard win-win principles talks about “being soft on the people, yet hard on the problem“.

Very logical, no?

I’ll admit, I had no idea how to practically go about that when I first heard it many years ago 😀

Okay yes, makes sense in theory, but what does this mean? How do you do that? What does it feel and sound like?

To this day, more than 10 years later, I have still only met a handful of people who truly excel at this. But those who do seem to get everything they want. It is that powerful!

“Soft on the person, hard on the problem”

The very first time I saw this skill in action was when I stood behind my friend’s wife who made a phone call to Macy’s (a US department store) to complain about a late and wrong delivery of a trench coat she needed urgently for a friend’s birthday. She was now asking that Macy’s send her the right item overnight express at their expense.

Imagine you stand behind her as she is making her call. This is what it sounded like (try to fake an American accent and read this out loud if you can for dramatic effect, then tell me what you noticed)

Yes, hello, hi Dorothy, how are you .. Fine thank you.. Listen, Dorothy, I need to file a complaint about my last delivery again, ..  yes, the coat was delivered in the wrong size ANOTHER time – I am VERY frustrated right now … mhm.. mhm , I understand Dorothy, and I am so sorry you are getting the end of this but this is unacceptable and I need to have that replaced ASAP and no time to walk to the post office! Again, I am so sorry Dorothy this is coming to you.. .. how can that even happen, it’s been delivered wrong ANOTHER time after I had already complained last week?!  … Again, Dorothy I know you have nothing to do with this and I am sorry you are getting the end of it but I am really frustrated with the service your company has provided there … yes, okay, thanks so much Dorothy for helping me resolve this … No I definitely need to have this sent over-night express now to have it in time for my friends birthday. And I certainly would appreciate a good discount for the hassle I had to go through twice now. .. Okay, okay that sounds good, .. Alright, thanks so much Dorothy for helping out and being so nice. You’re the best, thanks a lot, really, take care… . You too, you too, bye.

Did you hear what she did? “Thank you so much, Dorothy, I am so sorry you are getting the end of this”. “No, I definitely need to have this sent overnight express” “This is unacceptable service” “Dorothy you’re the best, take care”

She is extra friendly and appreciative to the person, saying thank you and sorry, using her name, changing her tone of voice when she talks to her, but at the same time asking in a determined way for what she needs and expressing her frustration. She is soft and supportive of the person, and hard on the problem – at the same time.

This is a brilliant strategy that you should use in any negotiation:

1) They are not expecting you to be nice and demanding at the same time and that throws them off balance a little – leaving you at an advantage.

2) This duality creates cognitive dissonance for them because their mind wants to classify you as “friend or foe” so it knows how to react. But it can’t because every time you say something nice you follow up with a serious demand, again followed by something nice. So that catches people off guard.

3) AND it triggers their need for reciprocity. Humans are primed to reciprocate the behaviour they are faced with. We are kind to people who are kind to us, and unkind to people who are unkind to us. If you are supportive and kind to them while also being hard and demanding on the substance they are torn about what to do. And often they feel like they must give back on the kindness that you give them.

Try it out, it is not only a more comfortable but also a more successful way to negotiate!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer