Negotiation Skills: Concessions in Negotiation – Strategic Approaches for Win-Win Solutions

Negotiation Skills: Concessions in Negotiation – Strategic Approaches for Win-Win Solutions

Have you noticed that great conversations have a fair amount of give and take?

Each party takes turns speaking and listening to the other. When respect is given, respect is received.

Negotiations are a lot like conversations, only with higher stakes. If nothing is given at first, nothing is received. And this is where concession strategies come in.

A concession is when you offer something during negotiations to move closer to a mutually beneficial outcome. However, how you make concessions affects the outcome of the negotiation a lot. As with conversations, saying the right thing the wrong way can lead to disaster.

For example, if you give them everything they want too soon, you might leave your counterparty with the Winner’s Curse. The winner’s curse happens when the counterparty feels they might have been shortchanged due to winning way too quickly.

Situations like getting the winner’s curse are best avoided. A well-prepared concession strategy can build trust, improve outcomes, and foster long-term partnerships.

Concessions and Subjective Satisfaction

A key point in negotiation strategy is that how you get to a deal is just as important as what the outcome is. When people feel that they worked hard for each concession, they experience greater subjective satisfaction – even if you were planning for them to achieve that outcome from the very beginning.

Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky, famous for their work on Prospect Theory teach us that how information is delivered affects how they will react. People prefer receiving bad news all at once, but enjoy receiving good news gradually. You can find out more about Kahneman and Tversky’s work on prospect theory here.

Making the counterparty work for their concessions gives them the subjective satisfaction of continually winning small victories—avoiding the Winner’s Curse.

 

Anchoring and Concessions

The first set of ideas, asks and thoughts in any conversation can have a disproportionately high influence on he rest of the negotiation. This is called the anchoring effect and is proven in many, many studies. Setting the first anchor can define the entire bargaining range before we can begin providing concessions. You can also find out more about anchoring here.

If your counterparty takes a robust initial position, you should bring their price closer to your reserve price before presenting your own counteroffer.

This creates a more favorable range for subsequent concessions or the zone of possible agreement, making it easier to get to your target outcome.

Your reactions can also help to shift the anchor. You could intentionally ‘flinch’ at their starting anchor to see if they can move it closer to what you are going for before you counter-offer. This gives them the impression that they are winning.

The reverse is true. If we make the first offer, we will want to offer close to our counterparty’s limit or reservation price. The limit price is the highest price at which the buyer is willing to still buy the item and the lowest price at which a seller is still willing to sell the item.

 

Proper Preparation is Key

If you’ve prepared well, you should have a decent estimate of your limit price and your counterparty’s limit price.

You should also look out for what you can provide as concessions to them. The ideal scenario is that it costs your party very little while being highly valuable to your counterparty to help build trust. Conversely, you will want to list out the concessions you want from their side as well. Our preparation checklist provides more information.

Now that this has been established, we can now check out the concession strategies.

 

Four Key Concession Strategies:1

Four Negotiation Strategies for Concessions - Label Your Concessions, Demand and Define Reciprocity, Make Contingent Concessions, Make Concessions in Installments

  1. Label Your Concessions: Your counterparty has the incentive to ignore your concessions so we should not assume that they will recognize your concessions without making it clear.

    By explicitly labeling your concessions so that they will not be ignored.

    • Example: “I am willing to lower the price by 5%, but I need you to commit to a larger order.” 
  2. Demand Reciprocity: Every concession should come with an ask. You’re not giving something for nothing—clearly ask the counterparty to reciprocate with their own concession.
    • Example: “I’ve agreed to shorten the delivery time. In exchange, I’ll need a longer-term contract.” 
  3. Use Contingent Concessions: In situations where trust is low, make your concessions conditional on specific actions. This ensures that you don’t give away leverage prematurely.
    • Example: “I’ll lower the price on this product, but only if you agree to a two-year service contract.” 
  4. Installment Concessions: Just like with good news, delivering concessions in smaller increments can create the impression that the other side is “winning” more throughout the negotiation. This maintains positive momentum and keeps the other party engaged.
    • Example: Start by conceding on less significant terms and work toward bigger concessions over time.

 

Also, Take Note of Cultural Differences in Concession Strategies

Different cultures treat bargaining differently. In some cultures, aggressive bargaining is expected, and concessions are part of a back-and-forth exchange. In others, concessions may be seen as a sign of weakness, and a more straightforward approach is valued.

Before entering a negotiation, it’s crucial to understand the counterparty’s cultural norms. If aggressive bargaining is common, come with a well-structured concession plan. If not, be more strategic about the concessions you make and when you make them.

 

Conclusion

In the end, nothing given means nothing gained.

When you use concessions strategically, you can transform negotiations from deadlocks into potential win-win scenarios.

By coming prepared with limit prices, what you can concede and ask for, along with the strategies you can use to encourage reciprocity, we can work towards a deal where both parties feel satisfied. Remember to make your counterparty work for it, so they walk away feeling like they’ve won every concession.

Joining one of our courses will put you on par with over 10,000 leading lawyers from Fortune 500 companies to Tier 1 law firms globally, boosting your negotiation skills to new heights.

If you want to see how these biases happen in real life, try one of our online courses or join a tailor-made live training session for your organization!

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If you enjoyed this content, join our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Additional reading:

Four Strategies for Making Concessions in Negotiation – PON

Negotiation for Lawyers 101: Prospect Theory and Framing

Different people holding up a frame to represent Prospect Theory in Negotiations. How you frame information in negotiations can greatly affect outcomes

The comedian Don Mcmillan had a bit where presented some statistics on weddings.

Don McMillan frames marriage statistics in a hilarious way

You can watch the clip here.

“44% of marriages end in divorce.”

That means

“56% of marriages end in death”

“Take your choice, it’s one of those two! I’m not saying that I’m for divorce, it’s just that it’s better than the alternative.”

Well now. When he frames it that way, it’s not hard to see that as a possible conclusion. 

Prospect Theory

Now let’s take a look at a more serious example.

Imagine you’re faced with two programs to save lives:

  • Program A: Guarantees saving 200 people.
  • Program B: Has a 1/3 chance of saving 600 people and a 2/3 chance of saving none.

Did you choose the first option?

The second option creates the possibility that nobody can be saved, while the first option guarantees an outcome. Yet, both programs have outcomes equating to 200 lives saved.

Illustration of Tversky and Kahneman's Prospect Theory. Illustrating the Certainty Effect, Loss Aversion and Isolation Effects

Despite the equal outcomes, most people choose Program A to avoid risk when framed with the possibility of losing something. This again demonstrates how framing the same outcome can lead to different decisions.

This scenario was used in a famous experiment by Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman. We’ve included the link to their study at the end of the article.1

Effects and Outcomes of Gain and Loss Framing

According to Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky’s Prospect Theory, the way choices are framed affects decision-making.

The certainty effect happens when people prefer guaranteed outcomes compared to probable outcomes. This leads to people avoiding risk when there is one of their options has guaranteed results. The reverse is also true, where they want to avoid guaranteed losses and pick probable gains.

There’s also loss aversion at play here. The pain we feel from losses tends to be felt more than the joy from gains, so people try to avoid losses whenever they can.

Infographic – example of gain and loss framing

For example, instead of saying, “If you don’t accept, you’ll lose $2 a day,” frame it as, “Accepting this ensures you gain $2 a day.”

The isolation effect explains what we saw above, where two identical outcomes have different routes to attainment. Depending on how the options are framed, people are likely to cancel out similar-looking information to shortcut their thinking, arriving at varied conclusions.

How Does The Framing Effect Apply to Negotiation?

The framing effect will apply throughout the negotiation process, especially for concessions and offers.

Offers that are loss-framed will make people take more risks. We’re naturally loss-averse- When we’re afraid of losing something, we’re more likely to get up and do something about it. Conversely, offers with a gain or positive frame will make people take fewer risks.

This doesn’t just apply to final offers, but is key to giving the other side a ‘sense of winning’. Negotiations involve a series of offers and concessions and also the journey to get there.

You can frame some of your concessions with a gain frame that you’ve made them work for to make them feel like they’ve won something. To make this really effective, combine the framing of your offers and concessions based on what their interests are instead of their positions.

After all, even a fair, win-win offer won’t be accepted if the counterparty doesn’t feel satisfied with it.

 

Prospect theory is just one of the many psychological biases we can encounter during negotiations. Stay tuned, as we’ll be covering more of these in future posts.

At Negotiation Academy, we’re on a mission to make negotiation skills second nature to everyone because we believe that negotiation is one of the most influential skills for your career, life and business.

If you’d like to learn more about cognitive biases in negotiation or more about general negotiation skills, join our live sessions or online courses at Negotiation Academy. Start improving your negotiation skills today!

 

References:

  1. The Framing of Decisions and the Psychology of Choice Amos Tversky; Daniel Kahneman Science, New Series, Vol. 211, No. 4481. (Ja 30, 1981), pp. 453-458.

Negotiation Skills 101: Interest-based Negotiations – Start With Why

Man thinking about interests in a negotiation - thinking about why his counterparty wants what they want

Picture a potential client walking through the door seeking your legal services to sue one of his rivals.

After he explains his case to you, you inform him that settling out of court makes more sense as fighting the case in court will take too long and be too expensive. He responds with this cliché:

“It’s not about the money; it’s about sending a message.”

What’s his desired position? To sue his opponent.

What is his interest here? Revenge.

Tough.

As negotiators, knowing your client’s interests and positions is key to preparing for any successful negotiation.

Starting Negotiations With Why:
How Finding Interests in Negotiation Creates Value

Finding out each other’s interests can reveal more value (or money) for both parties.

You might know this age-old example from Getting to Yes: Two sisters negotiate for the same orange and eventually agree to split the orange in half. This looks like a fair outcome, but if they asked each other what they wanted the orange for, both could have gotten more of what they needed.

A position refers to “What you want.” In this case, each sister wanted the whole orange.

Interests refer to “Why you want it.” In this example, one sister wanted to use the peel for a recipe while the other wanted to make orange juice. Had they known why each wanted the orange, one would have the whole peel and the other would have the whole orange’s worth of juice.

Iceberg illustrating that positions are the tip of the iceberg. Interests are always under the surface and require some exploration. The result is being able to create value for both sides expanding the pie for all

If negotiators only focus on positions, there’s a tendency to slip into a competitive mindset. That causes us to dig in and only focus on trying to get a larger slice of the pie. Position-focused negotiation could also lead to underlying interests not being fulfilled, unsatisfactory outcomes for both parties and possibly a breakdown in the relationship.

Interests tend to be easier to reconcile than positions, and focusing on interests provides more room to find win-win solutions. By uncovering what each party needs, like in the orange example, there could be ways to satisfy both parties’ true needs and create more value for both sides.

Finding Your Client’s Interest

When preparing for a negotiation, your clients will give you their position, but it’s up to you to figure out their interests. Without understanding their interests, you could face situations where getting them their desired position still leaves them unsatisfied if their true interests are still unmet.

While preparing for your negotiation, have a meeting with your key stakeholders to find out their positions, priorities,  and requirements. During this discussion, focus on their motivations by asking them to explain the underlying needs or benefits of their positions.

This process could take some time, and regular check-ins throughout the negotiation process could help you better understand what your side is looking for.

Here are some questions, known as chunking questions, you can ask:

  • “If you had [what you want], what would that do for you/your business?”
  • “Can you tell me more about what we are hoping to achieve by [What they asked you for]” ?”
  • “How is [what you want] helping you make things work/right?”

Finding Your Negotiation Counterparty’s Interest

There are 2 main types of negotiation: competitive negotiation and collaborative negotiation.

In a competitive negotiation, what matters is ‘more for me, less for you.’

But when we start with competitive negotiation right out the gate, we refuse to share or learn information. If our counterparty reciprocates competitively, you’ll end with a zero-sum game situation.

People tend to resist answering questions during negotiations if they view negotiation as a competition. When they think this way, they won’t answer questions for fear of being taken advantage of or giving too much away.

Collaborative negotiation, on the other hand, is about growing value together, so the focus is not on ‘less for you’ but ‘more for myself’ by making the pie bigger.

Moving towards collaborative negotiations and away from competitive negotiations requires us to share information strategically and get them to reciprocate. Here are some tips to do that:

Build trust first

If our counterparty doesn’t trust us, they’ll play their cards close to their chest. Reciprocity is key, and we won’t learn anything from them if we don’t share some information with them first.

To know what to share, we must shift our mindsets away from “share as little as possible” to “withhold only what’s necessary.”

Prepare and take small steps:

Preparation lets us know what information is key to our position and which ones we can share more freely. Knowing this prevents us from defaulting to competitive negotiation which could kill any value creation opportunities.

When negotiating with your counterparty, gradually build up sharing and be careful with what you’re giving away, especially if your counterparty is a competitor.

We’ll still need to focus on the outcomes of our decisions, so don’t give anything away without expecting anything in return.

Ask questions carefully:

Once you’ve gained their trust, you can then ask probing questions to uncover their interests. For example, if they state their position you can ask these questions to lead them towards discussing interests instead:

  • “If you had what it is you want, how would that help you?”
  • “How is that useful to you?”

You can also use open questions once you’ve built sufficient trust with them to uncover their interests:

  • “What do you need to achieve?”
  • “What is most important to you?”
  • “What would it take for this to work for both of us?”

Here are other probing questions that you can also try:

Nudging probes: Saying things like “I see,” and “What happened after that?” can get people to open up and answer more thoroughly if they are initially resisting questions

Silence probe: Sometimes, choosing not to speak but using body language, like nodding, to show that you’re still listening could encourage them to speak more. They could end up giving you valuable information this way.

Information probe: This is a follow-up question that asks for more information regarding a response that seems to be incomplete. You can follow up some of their responses by asking “When you say you need more X, could you be more specific?”

Summary probe: This involves summarizing your counterpart’s responses so far. This can show them that you’ve been paying attention and could get them to elaborate further on what they’ve already shared.

Clearinghouse probe: This is a blanket question to let the counterparty provide more information about given issues. One example is “Is there anything else that we still need to cover about this deal?”

 

Understanding interests can transform negotiations, making outcomes more satisfactory for all parties involved.

However, there is a fine line to walk when using interest-based negotiation. We need to be strategic when handling both our clients and the counterparty so that we don’t slip into competitive bargaining too quickly or get taken advantage of during negotiations.

Want to learn more about using interests strategically or about negotiation? Join our live sessions or online courses at Negotiation Academy. Start improving your negotiation skills today!

Also, if you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

At Negotiation Academy, we’re on a mission to make negotiation skills second nature to everyone because we believe that negotiation is one of the most influential skills for your career, life, and business. 

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The Secret Negotiation Power of a strong Network – And how to get started if you hate Networking

Negotiation & Networking – Why?

“Your network is your net worth” they say.

As a negotiator, I see network building as part of my ongoing negotiation pre-work. Every negotiation starts LONG before you enter it, and your personal network and personal brand are pure bargaining power.

Let me explain: The reasons we are often having trouble to hold firm when negotiating your fees or salary is because we don’t having a strong network or strong personal brand – i.e. no strong walkaway point with lots of other opportunities knocking on our door (what negotiators call a “BATNA” – Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement).

The network that you build, my friend, is negotiation power. In other words: You will be confident to charge what you are worth because you are not coming from a mindset of scarcity where you must convert any client because you don’t know when the next one walks into the door. Rather, having a powerful network and personal brand gives you the confidence to know that if this opportunity doesn’t work out, another one will soon come your way. So you have no issue holding firm at charging for the value you add. BATNA 101!

The stronger your Network, the stronger your Bargaining Power.

TLDR: Network = Bargaining Power

Thus, networking is this month’s topic on Negotiation Nuggets!

“I hate Networking.”

9 out of 10 people will agree with that statement when I ask in my workshops. People hate the notion of networking. Or mostly the way most of us think about networking;

  • “It’s awkward, what should I even talk about?“
  • “It feels sleazy and transactional.“
  • “Why would this (senior) person even be interested in me?“

In our brains, networking has squarely placed itself as this utilitarian, self-focused exercise we have to do because someone told us so.

Reframing is key!

Less than 10% of hands in any given room go up when I ask “Do you like networking?“.

But here is the twist: That percentage increases to over 60-80% when I ask “Do you like to meet people?“.

Ha, interesting!

You might have heard people telling you “Networking is just about making friends.” And they would have been right! In fact, here are five powerful mantras I want you to print and take with you anywhere you go. Believe in these firmly and I promise you will be a new person when you go to networking events, enjoying the people you meet, creating real value and establishing true friendships that serve you as a network for life (and you them!)

Your 5 New Networking Mantras

Mantra 1: “I don‘t want anything from you.”

The reasons networking feels sleazy, transactional and awkward is because we feel like we need to go out and use networking as a way to sell ourselves or our services. STOP that in its tracks! You are not out there to sell anything. Except maybe yourself as an intriguing person to hang out with!

As lawyers, we don’t sell products. In the professional services industry, people buy people. So, all you need to do is be an interesting person who shows they care. You don’t need or want to sell anything!

Mantra 2: “I want to help YOU succeed.”

Not only do you not want anything from them, but you are first and foremost out there to help others succeed. This is counterintuitive at first. Like telling a soccer player to pass the ball to the other team. But hear me out. The best networkers are basically going around doing favours all day long. When I asked a friend of mine who is in charge of expanding the business of a large regional law firm to APAC and the Middle East how he does it, he replied “I am basically going around doing favours and making people happy all day. Recommendation for the best cold cuts in Singapore? Here you go. Best paediatric allergist? Number sent. Need an internship for your son? Let me send an Email. French cheese importer in Saudi? Let me link you up!“

Another example that you might find slightly crazy: I am currently working with a large US law firm who is looking for negotiation training in APAC. They like my proposal, but L&D wants to offer their teams multiple trainers as options (having options is always good!). When they came back to me and confided “We haven’t found any other providers who do what you do” I went on to help them research some alternative provides, aka my competitors (!!), offering to help them screen for the best match. What matters to me is that they find their best match. If they are happy, I am happy. And I am memorable. Networking is a game in the long run. First, you need to cultivate relationships that are based on mutual support. And drop the scarcity mindset!

 

“You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.”

Zig Ziglar

 

Mantra 3: “I am an interesting, interested person.”

When we are young, we often struggle to see why other people might be interested in us. We are quick to believe that people are only interested in other people of the same status.

I was lucky to learn the very opposite very early on. When I was a young student in law school, I helped organize a conference for European Union law. One of the participants was the back then President of the European Court of Justice, Vassilios Skouris. The Dean of my university made sure that President Skouris was constantly paraded in the spotlight. But Vassilios wasn’t that kind of person. I think he secretly hated it. At the final gala dinner, he came to sit next to me with us students at the back of the room. I panicked. What could I possibly say to this guy that he could find interesting? My fear was all wrong! We ended up chatting about his childhood in Greece, his children, and how he made his way from simple upbringings all the way to the ECJ. I learned a lot that day!

When you are young, you give passion. As you get older, you give expertise. That is enough!

Mantra 4: “You are an interesting person.”

Likewise, we need to search for the interesting things that could connect us to the other person. In my business development & brand building workshops, I do an exercise that invites people to write down their unique hobbies and strength. Then they share it with their neighbour. Something incredible happens when people start sharing. More often than not one of them will say in the debrief “I had no idea I had such fascinating colleagues in the office!“. Everyone has something fascinating about them. We just have to offer honest curiosity to bring it out and let them share. And maybe we find some common connection points on the way!

Mantra 5: “We are MEANT to connect.”

They say if you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together. People are meant to connect. We are not islands. Value always comes from collaboration. We are better together.

If you walk up to somebody with a big smile and say “Hey, I don’t believe we’ve met, my name is Claudia” you are basically communicating “Hey, we are meant to meet. I am an interesting person, you are an interesting person, let’s see how we can add value to each other“. Mindset is everything when you connect with others!

Abundance over scarcity, giving over taking, listening over speaking and you will radiate all the right vibes for people to like you instantly.

Apply these 5 mantras rigorously, and you will see the bad smell of networking completely disappearing!

Seek to add value and seek to make connections and you will set yourself up for a network beyond anything you’ve ever thought imaginable!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about. 

Negotiating for your Career – How to share your #IamRemarkable

My top 10 tips of how to shout your success over the roofs (without blowing the shingles off :D)

Last week, I went to my first #IAmRemarkable event. What a great initiative, started by a lady at Google in 2016 to empower people to celebrate their achievements and improve their self-promotion skills.

I went because as a Negotiation Trainer, one part of my work with large firms are sessions we call ‘Negotiating for your career’ ‘Beyond the billable hour’, ‘Make some noise’ or similar. In these sessions we talk about the fact that your amazing work does not speak for itself and billable hours are not enough to make it to the next level. “

At the #IamRemarkable workshop I participated in this time myself, it was all about becoming aware of what makes you, well, remarkable. You sit down in a group with a blank piece of paper and start writing “I am remarkable because…” Then you read it out loud.

For many people, this is eye-opening because we don’t usually think along these lines, we are afraid to come across as braggy, we are afraid of criticism, we feel it is not worth speaking about, or we often don’t even realize that “this small thing” is actually quite a big achievement.

Accomplishments do not speak for themselves!

As everyone went to write down their achievements and what makes them remarkable, my brain was already racing to think about the next logical step. How do you communicate all of it in a business context, bringing forward your best self in an authentic, enthusiastic and comfortable way?

Because in most business contexts you will not read out your “I am Remarkable” worksheet to your benevolent audience who rewards you with applause for your bravery.

Where are the right words when you need them?

In my experience, an equally big part of the challenge, beyond knowing what makes you stand out, is knowing just how to put it, i.e. the framing, language, context, situation and finesse of communicating your awesomeness.

Language is powerful and I often feel if only we had a better idea of how to communicate our value and accomplishments it would be much easier for people to shine an adequate light on their contributions and achievements to help them move ahead in their careers.

I would lie if I said that I find this easy myself. Like most of us, I too have been conditioned into wanting to appear modest. And the (gender) backlashes of coming across as too strong are real, so it is a very fine line to walk. But over the past 10 years, I have learned quite a few “tricks” of what works.

Here are my top 10 tips on what to share (and how)

1. Share achievements with real emotion

We all see it on LinkedIn every day: “I am elated about so and so award ..”, “Excited to share that..”, “Honored and humbled to have been selected for..”. Your friends might click “like”, but let’s be honest: Everyone is bored with these announcements or borderline annoyed. And most of us feel uncomfortable posting them but feel like we have to.

A better way: Work hard to express how it actually made you feel, or what it took to get there. Tell a story or share an obstacle that you had to overcome. Bring out as much authentic emotion as you can and people will be more likely to see this as an interesting post and you as a unique human being (see an example here about how I shared my “Top 10 L&D Providers APAC” award).

2. Celebrate Milestones

10 years, 15k followers, bar exam – all a huge deal in your life! People like celebrating with you if you share authentically. But again, authenticity is key. “It’s not bragging if it’s true” is one thing I learned at #IamRemarkable. Here is my best attempt at being my most authentic self when celebrating 15k followers in this post.

It may not behove in your position, role or industry to talk about your pet unicorn, your love for Schnitzel and how you kill off your houseplant (or you don’t care, like me). But I challenge you to push yourself to wherever your outer comfort and appropriateness level (and 10% beyond) in what makes you uniquely you when it’s time to celebrate. It gives people something to connect with you on a personal level and all the more reason to cheer you on.

3. Share knowledge

Your learnings are valuable to others and sharing it positions you as an expert without you having to shout “Look at me, I am an Expert”. This recent huge deal that you did, what did you learn from it about how to manage complex deal structures or a multitude of stakeholders? That ICO that you lead, what surprised you or what should others be aware of? That dispute that you settled, what did you learn that made your negotiations more successful?

Reflect on your work and share your learnings! And when you feel like “What can I even add, I am still junior/inexperienced compared to others” remember that there will always be someone more experienced than you, but there is also always someone less experienced than you and as long as you are even one step ahead of them, they can learn from you. And that is enough!

Look no further than this very blog post that you are reading here to see what I mean. I am no marketing expert. But I write down for you what I have taken from this workshop and the experience I have collated in my 10+ years of having to promote myself as an entrepreneur and working with professionals who have to do the same.

4. Share your take on something

A new law, judgement or industry development. Once you have become comfortable with posting things, share what your take is on those and what you think it will mean for your clients or what they need to be aware of. Just sharing an article or some news without your personal views has little value. Sharing with meaning for them will position you as an expert and give you 10x the effects of that post.

5. Tell stories

Our brains love stories. Tell a story of how your journey is going, where you have come from, what your challenges were, and what you are proud of. This could be about yourself, your team, a new initiative you have started, a non-for-profit you support, etc. You don’t do this for yourself. Stories inspire others! Even a success moment can be an unexpected story (I just saw this creative one here for being appointed to King’s Counsel).

6. Share a passion

Involved in D&I, Legal Tech, ADR? Passionate about negotiation skills, process management or AI? Find a passion and talk about it. Passion ignites passion and you will find your tribe of people. Look for up-and-coming topics in your field and focus on niche areas (especially if you find it hard to post passionate stuff about M&A, Litigation or whatever your core area of expertise).

7. Include clever language and facts about your experience

Get creative at weaving your experience and achievements into normal conversations, posts, your LinkedIn bio etc. I find a “matter of fact” language or giving context to a situation easiest: E.g. “As a lawyer who works with clients on 5 continents.. my view is..”, “Based on my background as..” “Based on my experience with more than 20 of these cases ..”

8. Use numbers

Like images, numbers speak volumes. Rather than “10 years of deal-making experience” (this is already good) you could go one step further and count the number of deals you have done. “Done 150 M&A deals“, Helped 300 companies go public”, “Enabled the largest ICO in the history of our country with 200 Mio in Investment”, “Helped negotiate deals of $50 million plus total value”, “Helped restructure more than a dozen Fortune 500 companies”, “Received the Legal Innovators Award 3 times in 5 years”.

Go dig for the metrics so people get a chance to understand better what you do and what you are really good at. It took me 2 days to collect and calculate how many participants have ever been in my in-person and online trainings across various countries and online platforms.

But here is my new headline:

“I help Tier 1 lawyers negotiate, communicate and network for their best results. Consultant, Trainer, Speaker since 2014. Trained 10k+ professionals live in 30 countries and 15k+ online in 126 countries.”

And don’t you think it was totally worth it to help people understand better what I do and why I’ve become so experienced and specialized in it? (Please say “yes“, those 2 days will never come back :D:D)

9. Use social proof (collect accolades)

Nothing persuades like other people’s recommendations. In fact, what do most of us do when we look for a doctor, an accountant, or in our case, a lawyer? Ask family, colleagues, friends.

15 Awards, a PhD and 5 papers may not be as persuasive as one strong personal recommendation.

“Most dedicated lawyer I’ve ever hired!!“

Now that has a ring to it 🙂

So when clients are raving about your work, ask them if they would be okay to put it into your LinkedIn (there is a recommendation section) or write it down in an email (or you can summarize what they said and send it back to them, thanking them for the compliment). Use these gems in your website bio, LinkedIn “about section”, annual review, promotion discussion, brochure, etc.

10. Talk about the benefit of your greatness to THEM

Remember: No one cares about what you can do. Everyone cares about what you can do for them. Frame your messaging accordingly!

“My 15 years of expertise in … allow me to immediately grasp my client’s challenges when it comes to..”,  “My experience with over 100 high steak real estate negotiations allows me to advise clients on the best strategy that does not only protect them from the risks of .. but also give them leverage in…”

Time to get to work!

One immediate way for you to start putting these into practice is to look through your LinkedIn profile.

–          What is your “Subtitle”. Are you “*Lawyer* at Firm”( yaaawn!) or a “Problem-Solving Advocate for Complex Disputes” (ohoo!)

–          What does your “About” section say (Do you even have one?)? Is it written in a personable, first-person language that captures who you are and what you do? Does it tell the reader how you can support them and how you are different from others?

–          Scroll further:  What is in the section that talks about your current job? Have you maximized that space to share what your value add is based on your experience and achievements?

–          Scrolling on:    What about Licenses, Publications, Awards, Recommendations, and Projects (just saw a great example here of how to mention projects as a lawyer). If you don’t have these sections in your LinkedIn go to “add profile section” at the top of your profile. All these sections are there for you to fill with clever language and subtle brags.

Once you are done with LinkedIn: What about the bio on your company website? Short bios you use for conferences or publications?

Two Last Tips

  1. Set aside an hour in your calendar right now to go and rework these to help you start thinking about how to better express your achievements, capabilities and what they can do for your career, client or promotion. We all know if it’s not in your calendar it’s not happening.
  2. Then copy this post and come back to the list later and see what posts and blogs you could write as you start your #IamRemarkable journey and Negotiate for your career by becoming more conscious of how you communicate your achievements.

If you need, print out your new mantra or stick it to your screen with a post it:

“Accomplishments do not speak for themselves.”

To your success! And I hope you share this post with everyone around you who also struggles to make their achievements noticed!

Dr. Claudia

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Leveraging Negotiation in Legal Practice: An interview with BGPartners CEO Elena Mégevand-Valli

I recently spoke to Elena Mégevand-Valli, partner and CEO at BGPartner | Attorneys-at-law, a Swiss boutique business law firm that has put Negotiation front and center in its philosophy and identity. In this week’s ‘Negotiation Nugget’ she shares how their firm has embraced Negotiation as a way of thinking, how it all got started and what she thinks it means for the future of the business. Enjoy!

—

C: Great to reconnect, Elena! Your firm’s pretty unique “Mastering Law and Negotiation” slogan caught my eye. Tell me more about it!

E: Most lawyers negotiate all the time, yet negotiation isn’t usually emphasized in legal education. We recognized its added value and integrated it into the DNA of our firm. Negotiation is not just a skill; it’s a mindset and a strategic approach that permeates every aspect of our practice. By highlighting negotiation alongside legal expertise, we aim to provide comprehensive and effective solutions to our clients’ needs.

C: I love this approach! Why do you think most firms don’t place as big an emphasis on negotiation?

E: I’m not entirely sure. Some might believe they’re already proficient negotiators, while others may underestimate the importance or think there’s nothing new to learn. Additionally, legal education traditionally focuses heavily on substantive legal knowledge, leaving little room for negotiation training. However, negotiation is a dynamic skill that requires continuous development and refinement. It’s about understanding human behavior, psychology, and communication, all of which are vital in achieving favorable outcomes for our clients.

C: How did the focus on negotiation start at your firm?

E: Oliver Gnehm, our chairman and I invested significant time in our own negotiation training and realized its power. We then developed a concept and made a concerted effort to roll it out firm-wide. We conducted workshops, seminars, and provided resources to ensure that every member of our team understands the importance, principles and techniques of negotiation. It wasn’t just about teaching negotiation as a skill but embedding it into our firm’s culture and ethos.

C: What does the training for lawyers look like at your firm?

E: As a small firm, we ensure everyone speaks the same language and shares our values. We offer both internal and external training, incorporating concepts from Harvard, behavioural theory and modern conflict management. Our training isn’t just about teaching negotiation tactics; it’s about fostering a deeper understanding of negotiation as a strategic tool. We delve into topics such as effective communication, building rapport, managing emotions, and creative problem-solving.

C: How does this focus on negotiation impact your daily work with clients?

E: When clients come to us, we approach their cases with a negotiator’s mindset. We delve into their underlying interests, not just their rights. We provide strategic alternatives and guide them through a process that ensures they achieve their best outcomes. For example, in a recent case involving a contract dispute, instead of solely focusing on legal arguments, we explored potential negotiation strategies to resolve the issue amicably and efficiently. By considering the broader context and the client’s objectives, we were able to reach a favourable resolution that not only protected their legal rights but also preserved the relationship with the counterparty and created additional value for both sides.

C: You’d think all firms would adopt this approach, right?

E:You’d think so! However, clients often tell us that while other firms provide legal assessments, they lack strategic guidance.

C: How do you ensure your teams keep developing their negotiation skills?

E:We work in small teams and utilize checklists. We have regular update calls with case reports discussing lessons learned in high-stakes negotiation, and our team members use each other as sparring partners to prepare for negotiation and ask each other for advice. Every few weeks, we focus on a negotiation challenge, with one member leading the discussion. Additionally, we encourage our team members to attend external training programs, participate in workshops, and engage in peer-to-peer learning opportunities.

C: Does this focus on negotiation help attract clients to your firm?

E: We usually don’t specifically ask new clients why they choose us, but we do attract clients interested in our negotiation skills. They are sometimes surprised that we put so much emphasis on this topic next to our legal excellence, but we regularly receive very positive feedback. Our clients appreciate more and more the value we create when we advise them on upcoming negotiations or negotiate on their behalf. So, it seems to be a step in the right direction.

C: Can you provide an example of how this approach benefits clients?

E:Certainly. We recently worked with a large construction company that had consulted three other firms. While the others assessed their legal rights, the client wanted concrete recommendations on what to do next. We combined legal analysis with an understanding of the company’s goals and recommended a strategic negotiation approach. Instead of getting bogged down in contract interpretation, we focused on communication and pragmatic negotiation steps, which ultimately led to a more favorable outcome for the client.

C: Thank you, Elena. It’s been great speaking with you! Keep up the pioneering work!

E: Great catching up, Claudia. You too! 🙂

PS. If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Buying an Audi for the price of a Volkswagen

Or how to Make Bargaining a Gift for Both

In the world of negotiations, there’s a fine art to getting what you want without leaving the other party feeling like they’ve been shortchanged. A few years ago, my friend Dana demonstrated this artistry when he managed to snag an Audi A4 for the price of a Volkswagen Golf.

You heard that right – an A4 for the price of a Golf!

How did she do it? Let’s dive into the story and extract some valuable lessons in negotiation along the way.

Step 1: Research and Preparation

Dana didn’t walk into the dealership blindfolded. She did her homework. She knew the dealer price, wholesale price, current promotions, models that were on the way out and the typical discounts Audi dealers were willing to offer.

Step 2: Clarity of Intent

Dana went into negotiations with a clear idea of what she wanted – that Audi A4 at a specific price. Having a precise target in mind helped her steer the negotiations towards her desired outcome.

Step 3: Patience

Negotiations can be a waiting game. Dana spent multiple weeks in negotiations, showing no signs of impatience or desperation. She understood that rushing could sabotage her chances of getting the deal she wanted.

Step 4: Express Interest

Throughout the negotiation process, Dana consistently expressed her interest in the car at the desired price. This signaled to the dealer that she was serious about the purchase. This may seem counterintuitive at first, but showing commitment can actually work better than a cold “Oh, I don’t really want it” approach if you want the other side to work with you.

Step 5: Collaboration

Instead of viewing the negotiation as a battle, Dana collaborated with the salesperson. Together, they explored various avenues for discounts – from manufacturer incentives to trade-in deals, prolonged warranty, free tires and seasonal promotions.

Step 6: Negotiation Power

Besides the Information she had collected and the relationship she had built, Dana also created leverage in numbers by timing her purchase with two other friends. Presenting the potential of selling three cars instead of one created hug purchasing power on her side, and an equally huge incentive on the car dealer’s side to get the deal.

Step 7: Relationship Building

Dana leveraged her existing relationship with the dealership. Having purchased her previous car there, she highlighted her loyalty and hinted at potential future business.

Step 8: Win-Win

Ultimately, Dana achieved a win-win scenario. While she walked away with an Audi A4 for the price of a Volkswagen Golf, the car dealer also benefited. Selling three cars in one go significantly boosted the salesperson’s commission (Dana encouraged him to negotiate his commission with his boss, and he got an increase to almost double his normal commission too!).

In essence, bargaining isn’t just about driving a hard bargain; it’s about finding creative solutions that satisfy both parties. By following these steps – from thorough research to fostering collaboration and maintaining patience – you too can turn bargaining into a gift for both sides.

So, the next time you’re in a negotiation, remember: it’s not about who can outwit the other, but rather how you can work together to find a solution that leaves everyone feeling like a winner.

Whether it’s for your new car or your client’s contract – the power is with those who collaborate!

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Let’s get Ripped: Building Your Negotiation Muscle!

I don’t go to the gym in January. Too crowded with people who are trying to stick to their New Year’s Resolutions.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel like working out, either. It’s not too late to build another muscle for 2024!

 

Introducing: The Negotiation Muscle

There is a major myth out there about Negotiation skills. Many people think that Negotiation is an innate skill. That people are born with it, and you either have it or you do not.

People who believe this, let me look you deep into your pretty eyes and tell you firmly but lovingly, once and for all: THAT’S NONSENSE!

Some people might have more talent to become excellent negotiators. But negotiation as a whole is a skill that must be learned.

 

Learning requires practice

Saying “I am just not good at negotiations” is like saying “I am just not strong” without having set foot into a gym. Developing Negotiation skills begins with overcoming your insecurities, fears, and other inhibitions and just making the first ask. And then another one. And then another one.

Our discomfort in making a small request in low-stakes situations keeps us from growing comfort in making a move in high-stakes negotiations.

If fear and discomfort are keeping you from negotiating for more of what you want and deserve, starting to negotiate in your daily life is your first important step.

And for my ladies reading this, as per Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever’s research (Women Don’t Ask – go read that, it’s brilliant!), we only negotiate about 25% as much as men do! If you don’t ask, you won’t get. So if you identify, please read this extra carefully.

Okay, ready to get ripped?

 

Here are 7 small hacks that help you get really good at it.

Before we start: WHAT all is negotiable?

Some things are more obvious than others, and I hope you already always negotiate these. Things like your salary (yes, annually!), buying a car, your rent, buying an apartment.

But much beyond that, to rock these big negotiations, you need to train your negotiation muscle on the small daily negotiations.

Things you may not consider a negotiation (yet): Who goes out to buy the groceries, your phone bill, newspaper subscription, gym membership, the timeline for returning a draft, your seat on an airplane, check-out time, hotel room category, the clothes in a store, and and and. Which brings us to hack number 1:

 

#1: Consider everything negotiable

For a lot of reasons, we often don’t think something is negotiable. We have never seen someone negotiate it, we have been conditioned by society that something is not negotiable, or we simply believe that just because there is a written price tag that means that this thing is not negotiable. But those are just stories we tell ourselves. Until you ask, you NEVER know if it might be negotiable. I have been surprised by the most unexpected places, what all you can negotiate!

When in doubt, I always remember that there was once a study that said that only 25% of Americans ask for a discount, but about 80% or so who do will actually get SOMETHING. Now, if that isn’t motivating, I don’t know?!

 

#2: Start a habit of asking

Call up any subscription and say “I am looking through my subscriptions to see how I can cut down on cost. I am a loyal customer, so I wanted to see if you can make me a better deal.” You never know where you can get a cheaper deal, or extra service/bandwidth/discount.

Or, looking to buy this new luxury duvet? Email 2-3 sellers and tell them that you would love to get one for Xmas/a birthday whatever the reasons but that you are still hesitant about the price and if they could e.g. give a 15% discount. I have even done that with Amazon 3d party sellers, and it works!

 

#3: Let them compete / Improve your BATNA

BATNA – your alternative, is the strongest tool in your negotiator toolbox. So always get a few different offers and let them negotiate against each other. I recently had a safety grill installed for my kids on our balcony. Having 3 providers quote for the same thing got me 50% off the most expensive quotation. You don’t even have to negotiate much, you just keep pointing out that another provider has offered a better price, but you would love to work with them and ask if they could match.

 

#4: Humour

Negotiation is not a fight, it’s a dance! Doing it with appreciation, charm, and humour works best. People like to give things to people they like.

E.g. hubby and I are in his shoe store. After a while, I walk up to the salesperson saying “My husband is eying the 3rd pair already, we need to start talking about a bulk discount or I will have to drag him out of here.“

Quick wit also works well. Cashier: “Do you need a corporate invoice”? “No, but we would take a corporate discount if you have?” – 20% off in the home improvement store because of some random coupon she finds in her drawer. How much easier can you have €600 thrown at you for doing close to nothing?

Of course, this doesn’t always work. But the point is to practice. And not just “the ask”, but also dealing with the rejection. Or the alternative people throw at you. Surprising moments such as “Can you do something else (points at the price tag)? “No, but I can throw in a hug” (😲) teaches you valid lessons in handling responses with poise and expect and reply to the unexpected.

 

#5: Think beyond the money

Great negotiators never forget the non-momentary stuff. It’s not always money. Often, there are non-monetary options that the other side can give you much more easily, and that are valuable for you. E.g. more days off from work, waiving the climbing gym initiation fee, getting 12 months for 10, getting a free personal training session, a free room upgrade, a spa voucher, an airport pickup, a voucher for your next visit, etc.

Even if you end up getting no discount, you might walk out with something.

 

#6: Look out for their interests (and trade for yours)

Good deals are always a two-way street. If you can find things that are beneficial to them, they are more likely to i) agree and ii) give you a good deal. When we negotiated our rental contract in Singapore (at the worst time..) we offered a variety of things to get a better price that we thought could be of interest to the landlord. Things like painting the place, an earlier move-in date, a longer contract term, an up-front payment, etc. 10% off the asking price at a time when people snatched up apartments!

 

#7: Show that you have done your research

Information is power. Knowing what other people are making, how much other stores are charging, what margins there are, what sales targets they have etc allows you to say “Can you match ..“, “What rate can you give us if we book directly with you and you don’t have to shell out 15% to booking.com?”

 

Summing Up:

  1. Consider everything negotiable.
  2. Get into a habit of asking.
  3. Let providers compete/improve your BATNA.
  4. Use humor and connect with people.
  5. Think beyond money.
  6. Look out for their interests.
  7. Show that you have done your research.

 

Ready to get to work?

Stay tuned for the next Negotiation Nugget. I will share with you an 8-week workout plan for your negotiation muscle that you can follow to become more comfortable with high-stakes negotiation by increasing your comfort in the daily ones.

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

 

7 Steps for Leading any Client Meeting like a Pro – Even with no Preparation or Experience

A simple framework and universal tools you can use to make you look instantly more professional.

 

This Negotiation Nugget shares the exact 7-step framework we teach at The Negotiation Academy LLC and how the included building blocks help you radiate confidence and professionalism in any client meeting.

Client Interview and Client Counseling Framework and Steps

 

Let’s look at how using the framework and tools of these 7 steps can turn you into a master meeting host who exudes confidence, experience, and expertise:

1. Small Talk

The first few minutes set the tone of your work together. Make sure you show an interest in the person, engage in some small talk to create a personal connection, and make them feel comfortable and special. The better you connect, the easier your conversation will be and the more they trust and respect you. Arriving early and having prepared topics to talk about go a long way!

2. Agenda

This is your first step in controlling the conversation and making the client feel safe by radiating experience and gravitas. “Agenda” is a big word. In most conversations, you just need a few sentences about how the meeting is going to go. This can be very generic and without preparation. Even without an idea what the client will want to talk about you can already shine. Adapt a version of this:

(finishing small talk..) Okay so here is what I suggest we do to make the most of our time: Why don’t you first tell me what brings you here today/why don’t you update me on what new developments there have been since we last met/why don’t you fill me in on your perspective of what is happening to give me a fuller picture than what I have from having read the written documents. While you do, I will be taking some notes to make sure I don’t miss anything and after you are done I will surely have some questions. Then we can discuss some options and see how I could help you. Lastly, we will discuss the next steps, what it would look like if we work together, and what the fee arrangement looks like in our firm. Does that work for you?”

These are just sample elements, but do you see what this does when you start with something like this? It makes you sound amazing! Prepared, knowledgeable, experienced, and in the driver’s seat! First impressions matter, and this little opener together with your small talk will put the conversation on a promising track.

3. Client Narrative

Next, it is time to zip it and hand it over to your client. “Okay, why don’t you get us started?”. Your main job here is to NOT interrupt (I mean it, listen as if your life depended on it)!

We are all guilty of interrupting much more than we care to admit. An important question comes to mind, a reference to some other success that offers itself, a comparison, or our own experience. Research shows that this is a big no-go with severe adverse effects on your learning about the case and the relationship with the client.

Studies in a patient-doctor context show that interruptions of all kinds (questions or statements or completing their sentences) result in significantly less accurate diagnoses and less successful treatment. In 94% of interruptions, the physician ended up taking over the conversation, never returning to what the patient wanted to say at that time (now you know how I chose my doctors..).

4. Summary

This is the key moment to show how well you listen and understand your client: You summarize what they said. E.g. “Let me make sure I have got everything. So you are saying …” (summarize it all). Then you end with “Am I missing anything?“

Summarizing is a pro communicator power tool with 360° benefits for you and the client:

  • You are forced to listen better and can confirm that you have truly understood.
  • The client feels truly heard and appreciated (“Got it” does not do that job! Look at your client’s eyes lightening up when you actually summarize what they said!)
  • You sort your client’s thoughts and structure them for yourself and them.

This summary can already be the structure for the next steps in your conversation. E.g. “ .. I hear that we will need to talk about employment issues, incorporation, and data privacy. Shall we start with data privacy?”

5. Questions and Details / Counseling

Only now comes the actual legal talk. Starting with e.g. that Data Privacy topic, now is the time to ask your follow-up and detail questions and walk the client through their options like you always do.

6. Summary of Goals, Interests and Priorities

Towards the end, there needs to be another round of summaries that focus specifically on client goals. You know, that “client interest focus” that every firm has on their website, this is where you walk the talk! Find out what is truly driving the person on the table.

  • What are their most important goals and priorities?
  • What does this situation mean to them?
  • How does it impact their business?

As negotiators, we know that people will always bring us positions, but what they really care about are interests. This summary makes sure you dig for those before suggesting any action.

7. Next Steps & Fees

To wrap it up, have a small summary of what will happen next. Who is sending what to whom by when.

Fees: If the situation requires, plan to take a moment to explain fees. Most importantly: Own the topic! Don’t wait until the client needs to put themselves into an uncomfortable position to ask “how about fees?”. Because a) you don’t want the client to have to do that, and b) YOU don’t want to be caught on the back foot! Discussing fees is uncomfortable for 99% of people.. (or at least that is my impression in our trainings :D). The moment the client asks for fees, even the smoothest client interviews take a massive turn for the awkward with lawyers suddenly going “aaaah, well, usually, we, aah, do hourly rates, but we can also, aehm, see if we can maybe ahm do a package.. “

How comfortable would you be in hiring an attorney to represent your financial interest if they cannot represent their own? You and I know this might be independent, but the last impression and aura of confidence are certainly taking a hit.

So instead, prepare to mention fees yourself. This again shows that you are a confident and experienced professional (and you can keep it short and practice what you want to say beforehand 🙂

Summing up, print the 7 steps and focus on these four key takeaways for any client meeting:

  1. Be proactive in using small talk.
  2. Start with a small “agenda” to look extra routined.
  3. Keep summarizing to show your competence and make the client feel heard.
  4. Ensure that you drill down to what really matters to your client.

Try it out and let me know how it goes!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

 

Creating Rapport – Even with people you can’t stand

A few years ago, I was meant to interview James Corden (carpool karaoke anyone?) at a business conference in Los Angeles. I had prepared all my witty introductions, clever questions about his negotiation habits, and more. It was going to be great.

About an hour before the interview, the conference organizers told me that James wasn’t coming because his wife had to go to the hospital and that I was going to be on the stage with Charlie Sheen instead. I froze.

While I had been a big fan of Two and a Half Men as a teenager, the things he has been known for since triggered everything but positive feelings in me for this person.

I panicked. What should I say to this man whose behavior and reputation I wanted nothing to do with?

Once I had moved past my initial shock, I looked at the advice I give to negotiators who are faced with a counterpart they do not like or get along with well:

 

Look for commonalities and things you can appreciate, no matter how small.

 

I thought long and hard. Did we have anything in common?? I didn’t think so.

But eventually, I found something. It was risky and cheeky. But I figured risky and cheeky was exactly what this situation called for.

 

You can see how nervous I was.

But it worked!

We got a big laugh from the 2,500 people staring at us in anticipation.

To this day, I still can’t believe I said this to him. But he was a good sport, and it sure did break the ice, got us going with a laugh, and made the audience comfortable. And I could take it from there.

 

In a negotiation, you cannot allow your personal feelings to influence your chances of getting a good deal.

 

Here are the two tips I have for negotiators who find themselves with a counterpart they are having difficulty connecting with:

 

  1. Find something about them that you can appreciate

This can be hard – but try harder! There has to be something about that person that you can relate to, that is good, that is a silver lining. Nobody is all evil. It could be things they have done in the past (Two and Half Men was pretty cool when I was a teenager) or something where taking their perspective helps you appreciate why they might act the way they are acting.

Say you are negotiating with a counterpart who seems to have all kinds of unreasonable demands that they are trying to push. Try to imagine the kind of pressure they might be getting from their firm, partner, or client. Then articulate it. Say something like “I was just thinking about this case last night and how tricky it must be on your side as well having to deal with all these conflicting and ever-changing interests“. The way you say that matters! Not as a tactic, not condescending, but with true empathy for the situation. This won’t change your entire relationship, but it can go a long way in building a bridge to the other person.

Or say your flight gets cancelled and everyone is rushing to the counter to rebook. The staff is overwhelmed and passengers are impatient. Try for yourself what difference it will make if you approach them with a smile and honest appreciation of what they are trying to do and how hard their job is at the moment. An authentic  “wow, I’ve been watching you from the back for a while and I am so impressed with what grace you are handling this stressful situation” can change your encounter with that person (and your chances for an upgrade 😉 by 180 degrees!

Frenemies posing post-interview =)

     2. Find commonalities

Like in my Charlie Sheen situation, it can be hard to find commonalities with people you don’t like. We may also not want to. “I have nothing in common with this person“, was the first thing I noticed myself thinking. If we don’t like someone, the last thing we want to think is that we have anything in common.

But chances are that we do! So, if a poor relationship with someone is getting in the way, look out for them. I have seen people who do not speak with each other suddenly bond over the most random things! Like their love for durian (a smelly and very polarizing fruit in Asia), or their passion for fine wines where suddenly they can one-up each other (hey, at least they are talking), or their daughters both being semi-professional air rifle shooters training for the Olympics (until last week I had no idea that was even a competitive sport!). From my examples, you see that the more rare the commonality, the stronger the connection. So look for these!

I truly believe that whoever it is, no matter how “bad” the situation or connection, if you are determined, you can always find something.

And it may not always work or succeed in improving the relationship on the first attempt. But without giving it a try, you have already given up.

Not trying means that you have given away your power to make a positive contribution to that relationship and the possible deal or benefit that can come out of it.

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.