How your love or hate for negotiations influences your outcome. And what to do about it.

One question I ask at the beginning of almost every single one of my workshops is: “Do you enjoy negotiating?”

Having asked this question to over 5,000 people on five continents, across many professions and cultures, I am finally no longer surprised by the typical answers I get.

On average, only about 10–20% of people raise their hands (or click “yes” in our anonymous online poll). Yes, even professionals who negotiate every day! Yes, even in cultures where bargaining is life! I know.. I was shocked at first too!

Apart from curiosity, there is a deeper reason I ask this question.

With negotiations, it is much like with public speaking. If you hate public speaking, if it makes you nervous, if you dread being on that stage, you will likely not radiate confidence and give a very persuasive presentation. More likely, your inner discomfort will make you talk as fast as possible and do everything to get off that stage as quickly as you can.

The same goes for negotiations. If you are not comfortable with the process of negotiating (or at least comfortable with the fact that you are uncomfortable), your default reaction will be to get you out of this situation as quickly as possible. You are therefore much more likely to take a less optimal deal just to escape the situation.

Now think about this: If, on the other side of that negotiation, you happen to have someone who enjoys negotiating, guess what their default reaction to the situation will be. They will make themselves comfortable in their chair! They love it and are ready to do this all day long.

Guess who is getting the better deal?

The second person!

Without even considering negotiation position, skill, or strategy, the latter person already has an advantage by the sheer fact that they are comfortable in the situation.

And more: They will learn more from the situation. Because experience only translates into expertise if we analyze and consciously work on our skills.

I learned French for 8 years at school. And to this day, I can barely order a croissant. Your guess, how much I enjoyed the process of it 😀

What can you do if you want to become more comfortable negotiating?

Negotiation is like a muscle. It only grows with conscious training. Saying I am a bad negotiator without having worked on my negotiation skills is like saying I cannot lift weights without ever having stepped foot in a gym.

You need two things:

1. Learn a proper framework

Just starting to lift weights can be dangerous. You can hurt yourself, learn the wrong routines, and not see the best results. Anyone serious about lifting would first get a trainer. Negotiations are similar. You don’t need very much, but you do need to understand the fundamentals. Collaborative vs. competitive negotiation, how to create value, how to bargain, and how to ask good questions. See if your company offers a course or take one online (there is everything from free on Coursera to mid-range on Udemy to high-end by Harvard and consorts; we have a few specially designed for lawyers hereas well).

2. Put the skills and frameworks to conscious use

Negotiation is a muscle. It grows only with practice. The bad news is that this takes time. The good news is that you can practice anywhere.

Moving house, signing a new phone contract, insurance products, banking, buying clothes, picking a caterer, hiring a swim coach, painting the house, fixing the car, deadlines with your colleagues, task distribution with your boss, salary, vacation days, etc. I bet your day has at least five negotiation opportunities, probably ten times that!

Why do we not utilize these opportunities more? A lot of times we

a) don’t notice that we are in a negotiation or

b) can’t be bothered to negotiate.

“Claudia, I don’t want to bargain about every single small thing.” “I can’t be bothered.” “I feel silly.“

You don’t have to. But this is how you will learn to get comfortable. Because if you are not comfortable asking for the thing you want or the discount you would like in your daily low-stake interaction with the lady at the market, how do you expect to be comfortable negotiating high-stakes matters with the lady who runs your company? 😉

When I was young, I used to hate to bargain or ask for things for myself. I thought it was cheap, inappropriate or a waste of time. Gender expectations further exacerbate the notion of “don’t ask anything for yourself“.

But I love to lift weights. So the moment I understood how similar the success journeys of these two skills are and that in each case it is a learned skill that only grows with practice, I started taking daily situations as serious negotiation practice. The rest is history.

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

How positional communication almost ruined my Christmas holiday

Negotiation Nuggets: Realizing that you are always in a negotiation; How to look beyond positions; How to train yourself to find interests.

“I’m sorry, the check-in is now closed.”

Over a decade ago, I called New York City home. I had a flight from NY to Uruguay booked to spend the Christmas holidays with my friend and her family.

The worst of all things happens. On December 22nd, the morning of my flight, my phone mysteriously died during the night, and my 4 AM alarm did not ring.

I wake up at 6:45. Fifteen minutes before boarding! Without wasting a second, I call a cab, grab my suitcase, and rush off to the airport. I arrive 40 minutes later, where luckily boarding has only begun 20 minutes ago.

I sprint to the check-in counter with my huge suitcase. Closed.

An airline employee is close by so I rush over and say, “I’m terribly sorry; I’m running late. I have to catch that flight!” She responds, “I’m sorry, but the check-in is closed.” So, I plead, “Isn’t there anything we can do?” “I’m afraid I can’t assist with check-in anymore; the system is closed,” she replies.

My expression freezes. I mutter a simple “Thank you” and walk away. For a moment, I stand in the terminal filled with people heading to their Christmas destinations, contemplating how all other flights are likely fully booked or exorbitantly priced on December 22nd. I can already see myself spending Christmas alone in cold and snowy New York.

Then, my inner negotiator springs into action.

I sprint back to the counter and say, “Look, the plane is still here. I can make it to the gate in time. What can we do? I need to be on that flight. I don’t care if you can’t check in my suitcase, we can put it on the next plane or in the mail or whatever, I don’t care. I just need to be on that flight!“

“Have you checked in online?” she asks.

“Yes, I have.“

“But you have a suitcase, right?“

“Yes, I do. But I don’t care! Send it on the next flight, send it by mail, whatever. I need to be on that flight.”

She starts talking into her walkie-talkie. Five minutes later, she and I are running through security with my bulky suitcase. Just before the plane’s doors close, we arrive at the gate where they take my suitcase and simply check it in there.

This was before I started Negotiation Academy. But these two key negotiationlessons will always stay with me.

  1. Positional communication can ruin your chances of getting what you want. Her position was, “The check-in is closed”. That seemed perfectly reasonable to me. No one was there. I was late. And boarding had started. So my brain said, “Okay, that means I can no longer check in, I am screwed.” What I didn’t realise was that she thought I needed to check myself in when really it was just my suitcase (and turns out even that can be done at the gate).
  2. Life is a negotiation. This lady had full power to run through security with me to get me on that plane with my suitcase. I was in a negotiation. But I didn’t notice that at first. To get her to go out of her way, ask security for special permission, and drop everything and run with me, I needed to do some persuasion. “Okay, thank you” after the first “check-in is closed” wasn’t gonna do that.

Become an Investigator of Interests

Our default style of thinking and communication is positional. Our brain needs to be efficient, so there is no conscious thought process that gets us from our interests to our positions. And neither does your counterpart. The positions just pop right up and we share them.

What this example shows is that the positional speaking and thinking that we are used to do often gets us nowhere when we try to negotiate.

To boost our chances of getting what we want we have to learn to actively go beyond positions. In this case, it would have meant to ask her (even if it sounds silly at first) “WHY is it a problem that the check-in is closed?” – “Because we cannot check you in any more “ “Oh, I am checked in, online“, “and because we cannot check the suitcase in” “Oh, so it’s about the suitcase?” “can we put it on the next flight, use UPS or (as it turned out) do that at the gate?”.

Realizing what was behind her position made the difference between staying snowed in and spending Christmas alone OR flying off to Uruguay for sun and holidays that winter. Or it probably saved me some $$$ for new tickets.

Whenever you feel like you are getting nowhere in your negotiation, ask yourself: Am I really talking about interests? And do I really know theirs?

Don’t get held back by your and their positional thinking and communication. Go beyond!

Happy negotiating!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

“Cognitive Dissonance” – The key to getting your way with people in negotiations

What you will learn today: how being appreciative of the person on the other side helps you get what you want; how to create “cognitive dissonance”; how to balance being soft on the person and hard on the problem

The 2nd pillar of the Harvard win-win principles talks about “being soft on the people, yet hard on the problem“.

Very logical, no?

I’ll admit, I had no idea how to practically go about that when I first heard it many years ago 😀

Okay yes, makes sense in theory, but what does this mean? How do you do that? What does it feel and sound like?

To this day, more than 10 years later, I have still only met a handful of people who truly excel at this. But those who do seem to get everything they want. It is that powerful!

“Soft on the person, hard on the problem”

The very first time I saw this skill in action was when I stood behind my friend’s wife who made a phone call to Macy’s (a US department store) to complain about a late and wrong delivery of a trench coat she needed urgently for a friend’s birthday. She was now asking that Macy’s send her the right item overnight express at their expense.

Imagine you stand behind her as she is making her call. This is what it sounded like (try to fake an American accent and read this out loud if you can for dramatic effect, then tell me what you noticed)

Yes, hello, hi Dorothy, how are you .. Fine thank you.. Listen, Dorothy, I need to file a complaint about my last delivery again, ..  yes, the coat was delivered in the wrong size ANOTHER time – I am VERY frustrated right now … mhm.. mhm , I understand Dorothy, and I am so sorry you are getting the end of this but this is unacceptable and I need to have that replaced ASAP and no time to walk to the post office! Again, I am so sorry Dorothy this is coming to you.. .. how can that even happen, it’s been delivered wrong ANOTHER time after I had already complained last week?!  … Again, Dorothy I know you have nothing to do with this and I am sorry you are getting the end of it but I am really frustrated with the service your company has provided there … yes, okay, thanks so much Dorothy for helping me resolve this … No I definitely need to have this sent over-night express now to have it in time for my friends birthday. And I certainly would appreciate a good discount for the hassle I had to go through twice now. .. Okay, okay that sounds good, .. Alright, thanks so much Dorothy for helping out and being so nice. You’re the best, thanks a lot, really, take care… . You too, you too, bye.

Did you hear what she did? “Thank you so much, Dorothy, I am so sorry you are getting the end of this”. “No, I definitely need to have this sent overnight express” “This is unacceptable service” “Dorothy you’re the best, take care”

She is extra friendly and appreciative to the person, saying thank you and sorry, using her name, changing her tone of voice when she talks to her, but at the same time asking in a determined way for what she needs and expressing her frustration. She is soft and supportive of the person, and hard on the problem – at the same time.

This is a brilliant strategy that you should use in any negotiation:

1) They are not expecting you to be nice and demanding at the same time and that throws them off balance a little – leaving you at an advantage.

2) This duality creates cognitive dissonance for them because their mind wants to classify you as “friend or foe” so it knows how to react. But it can’t because every time you say something nice you follow up with a serious demand, again followed by something nice. So that catches people off guard.

3) AND it triggers their need for reciprocity. Humans are primed to reciprocate the behaviour they are faced with. We are kind to people who are kind to us, and unkind to people who are unkind to us. If you are supportive and kind to them while also being hard and demanding on the substance they are torn about what to do. And often they feel like they must give back on the kindness that you give them.

Try it out, it is not only a more comfortable but also a more successful way to negotiate!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.