Cognitive Dissonance in Negotiation Archives

The Secret Negotiation Power of a strong Network – And how to get started if you hate Networking

Negotiation & Networking – Why?

“Your network is your net worth” they say.

As a negotiator, I see network building as part of my ongoing negotiation pre-work. Every negotiation starts LONG before you enter it, and your personal network and personal brand are pure bargaining power.

Let me explain: The reasons we are often having trouble to hold firm when negotiating your fees or salary is because we don’t having a strong network or strong personal brand – i.e. no strong walkaway point with lots of other opportunities knocking on our door (what negotiators call a “BATNA” – Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement).

The network that you build, my friend, is negotiation power. In other words: You will be confident to charge what you are worth because you are not coming from a mindset of scarcity where you must convert any client because you don’t know when the next one walks into the door. Rather, having a powerful network and personal brand gives you the confidence to know that if this opportunity doesn’t work out, another one will soon come your way. So you have no issue holding firm at charging for the value you add. BATNA 101!

The stronger your Network, the stronger your Bargaining Power.

TLDR: Network = Bargaining Power

Thus, networking is this month’s topic on Negotiation Nuggets!

“I hate Networking.”

9 out of 10 people will agree with that statement when I ask in my workshops. People hate the notion of networking. Or mostly the way most of us think about networking;

“It’s awkward, what should I even talk about?“
“It feels sleazy and transactional.“
“Why would this (senior) person even be interested in me?“

In our brains, networking has squarely placed itself as this utilitarian, self-focused exercise we have to do because someone told us so.

Reframing is key!

Less than 10% of hands in any given room go up when I ask “Do you like networking?“.

But here is the twist: That percentage increases to over 60-80% when I ask “Do you like to meet people?“.

Ha, interesting!

You might have heard people telling you “Networking is just about making friends.” And they would have been right! In fact, here are five powerful mantras I want you to print and take with you anywhere you go. Believe in these firmly and I promise you will be a new person when you go to networking events, enjoying the people you meet, creating real value and establishing true friendships that serve you as a network for life (and you them!)

Your 5 New Networking Mantras

Mantra 1: “I don‘t want anything from you.”

The reasons networking feels sleazy, transactional and awkward is because we feel like we need to go out and use networking as a way to sell ourselves or our services. STOP that in its tracks! You are not out there to sell anything. Except maybe yourself as an intriguing person to hang out with!

As lawyers, we don’t sell products. In the professional services industry, people buy people. So, all you need to do is be an interesting person who shows they care. You don’t need or want to sell anything!

Mantra 2: “I want to help YOU succeed.”

Not only do you not want anything from them, but you are first and foremost out there to help others succeed. This is counterintuitive at first. Like telling a soccer player to pass the ball to the other team. But hear me out. The best networkers are basically going around doing favours all day long. When I asked a friend of mine who is in charge of expanding the business of a large regional law firm to APAC and the Middle East how he does it, he replied “I am basically going around doing favours and making people happy all day. Recommendation for the best cold cuts in Singapore? Here you go. Best paediatric allergist? Number sent. Need an internship for your son? Let me send an Email. French cheese importer in Saudi? Let me link you up!“

Another example that you might find slightly crazy: I am currently working with a large US law firm who is looking for negotiation training in APAC. They like my proposal, but L&D wants to offer their teams multiple trainers as options (having options is always good!). When they came back to me and confided “We haven’t found any other providers who do what you do” I went on to help them research some alternative provides, aka my competitors (!!), offering to help them screen for the best match. What matters to me is that they find their best match. If they are happy, I am happy. And I am memorable. Networking is a game in the long run. First, you need to cultivate relationships that are based on mutual support. And drop the scarcity mindset!

“You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.”

Zig Ziglar

Mantra 3: “I am an interesting, interested person.”

When we are young, we often struggle to see why other people might be interested in us. We are quick to believe that people are only interested in other people of the same status.

I was lucky to learn the very opposite very early on. When I was a young student in law school, I helped organize a conference for European Union law. One of the participants was the back then President of the European Court of Justice, Vassilios Skouris. The Dean of my university made sure that President Skouris was constantly paraded in the spotlight. But Vassilios wasn’t that kind of person. I think he secretly hated it. At the final gala dinner, he came to sit next to me with us students at the back of the room. I panicked. What could I possibly say to this guy that he could find interesting? My fear was all wrong! We ended up chatting about his childhood in Greece, his children, and how he made his way from simple upbringings all the way to the ECJ. I learned a lot that day!

When you are young, you give passion. As you get older, you give expertise. That is enough!

Mantra 4: “You are an interesting person.”

Likewise, we need to search for the interesting things that could connect us to the other person. In my business development & brand building workshops, I do an exercise that invites people to write down their unique hobbies and strength. Then they share it with their neighbour. Something incredible happens when people start sharing. More often than not one of them will say in the debrief “I had no idea I had such fascinating colleagues in the office!“. Everyone has something fascinating about them. We just have to offer honest curiosity to bring it out and let them share. And maybe we find some common connection points on the way!

Mantra 5: “We are MEANT to connect.”

They say if you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together. People are meant to connect. We are not islands. Value always comes from collaboration. We are better together.

If you walk up to somebody with a big smile and say “Hey, I don’t believe we’ve met, my name is Claudia” you are basically communicating “Hey, we are meant to meet. I am an interesting person, you are an interesting person, let’s see how we can add value to each other“. Mindset is everything when you connect with others!

Abundance over scarcity, giving over taking, listening over speaking and you will radiate all the right vibes for people to like you instantly.

Apply these 5 mantras rigorously, and you will see the bad smell of networking completely disappearing!

Seek to add value and seek to make connections and you will set yourself up for a network beyond anything you’ve ever thought imaginable!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Leveraging Negotiation in Legal Practice: An interview with BGPartners CEO Elena Mégevand-Valli

I recently spoke to Elena Mégevand-Valli, partner and CEO at BGPartner | Attorneys-at-law, a Swiss boutique business law firm that has put Negotiation front and center in its philosophy and identity. In this week’s ‘Negotiation Nugget’ she shares how their firm has embraced Negotiation as a way of thinking, how it all got started and what she thinks it means for the future of the business. Enjoy!

—

C: Great to reconnect, Elena! Your firm’s pretty unique “Mastering Law and Negotiation” slogan caught my eye. Tell me more about it!

E: Most lawyers negotiate all the time, yet negotiation isn’t usually emphasized in legal education. We recognized its added value and integrated it into the DNA of our firm. Negotiation is not just a skill; it’s a mindset and a strategic approach that permeates every aspect of our practice. By highlighting negotiation alongside legal expertise, we aim to provide comprehensive and effective solutions to our clients’ needs.

C: I love this approach! Why do you think most firms don’t place as big an emphasis on negotiation?

E: I’m not entirely sure. Some might believe they’re already proficient negotiators, while others may underestimate the importance or think there’s nothing new to learn. Additionally, legal education traditionally focuses heavily on substantive legal knowledge, leaving little room for negotiation training. However, negotiation is a dynamic skill that requires continuous development and refinement. It’s about understanding human behavior, psychology, and communication, all of which are vital in achieving favorable outcomes for our clients.

C: How did the focus on negotiation start at your firm?

E: Oliver Gnehm, our chairman and I invested significant time in our own negotiation training and realized its power. We then developed a concept and made a concerted effort to roll it out firm-wide. We conducted workshops, seminars, and provided resources to ensure that every member of our team understands the importance, principles and techniques of negotiation. It wasn’t just about teaching negotiation as a skill but embedding it into our firm’s culture and ethos.

C: What does the training for lawyers look like at your firm?

E: As a small firm, we ensure everyone speaks the same language and shares our values. We offer both internal and external training, incorporating concepts from Harvard, behavioural theory and modern conflict management. Our training isn’t just about teaching negotiation tactics; it’s about fostering a deeper understanding of negotiation as a strategic tool. We delve into topics such as effective communication, building rapport, managing emotions, and creative problem-solving.

C: How does this focus on negotiation impact your daily work with clients?

E: When clients come to us, we approach their cases with a negotiator’s mindset. We delve into their underlying interests, not just their rights. We provide strategic alternatives and guide them through a process that ensures they achieve their best outcomes. For example, in a recent case involving a contract dispute, instead of solely focusing on legal arguments, we explored potential negotiation strategies to resolve the issue amicably and efficiently. By considering the broader context and the client’s objectives, we were able to reach a favourable resolution that not only protected their legal rights but also preserved the relationship with the counterparty and created additional value for both sides.

C: You’d think all firms would adopt this approach, right?

E:You’d think so! However, clients often tell us that while other firms provide legal assessments, they lack strategic guidance.

C: How do you ensure your teams keep developing their negotiation skills?

E:We work in small teams and utilize checklists. We have regular update calls with case reports discussing lessons learned in high-stakes negotiation, and our team members use each other as sparring partners to prepare for negotiation and ask each other for advice. Every few weeks, we focus on a negotiation challenge, with one member leading the discussion. Additionally, we encourage our team members to attend external training programs, participate in workshops, and engage in peer-to-peer learning opportunities.

C: Does this focus on negotiation help attract clients to your firm?

E: We usually don’t specifically ask new clients why they choose us, but we do attract clients interested in our negotiation skills. They are sometimes surprised that we put so much emphasis on this topic next to our legal excellence, but we regularly receive very positive feedback. Our clients appreciate more and more the value we create when we advise them on upcoming negotiations or negotiate on their behalf. So, it seems to be a step in the right direction.

C: Can you provide an example of how this approach benefits clients?

E:Certainly. We recently worked with a large construction company that had consulted three other firms. While the others assessed their legal rights, the client wanted concrete recommendations on what to do next. We combined legal analysis with an understanding of the company’s goals and recommended a strategic negotiation approach. Instead of getting bogged down in contract interpretation, we focused on communication and pragmatic negotiation steps, which ultimately led to a more favorable outcome for the client.

C: Thank you, Elena. It’s been great speaking with you! Keep up the pioneering work!

E: Great catching up, Claudia. You too! 🙂

PS. If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Deutsche Bank Office for Negotiation: An interview with Felix Miller, VP Deal Expert

Claudia: Felix, great to see you, I am excited to sit down with a fellow negotiation professional and share experiences(1)!

Felix: Same here, always a treat to see you!

Claudia: You are VP Deal Expert and one of the co-founders of Deutsche Bank’s Office for Negotiation. I love this because it is so unique to have a dedicated negotiation department in a company like this, and it really shows the immense leverage negotiation skills can give. Can you tell me a bit more about how this department came about and what you do?

Felix: For decades, most people have perceived negotiation as something we only need at a big conference table or in sales or procurement. However, experience and research clearly show that negotiation is one of the most powerful and omnipresent skills we need to use in our daily lives and business dealings. Our Office for Negotiation is a central one-stop-shop offering negotiation excellence as a service throughout the bank.

Claudia: “Negotiation as a Service“, I love that description because it shows the time you free up on other people’s plates and the specialization, expertise and value you can bring to the table as the expert who does JUST THIS.

Speaking about value, I love the motto you have, “Going Northeast”. Where does it come from?

Felix: The northeast direction in our logo’s design stands for the bank’s vision of moving forward and achieving robust (the square around the line) success in the global financial landscape. In negotiation, moving ‘northeast’ stands for achieving “win-win” results. I.e. a value-add result where both sides maximize their outcome in a way that no party could have gotten more without taking some from the other and both sides meet or exceed all their interests.

Claudia: The Pareto-optimal negotiation result! With negotiation being such a key future skill, very practically speaking, what impact do you see these skills having in a big business environment like Deutsche?

Felix: Many people I met and worked with in a variety of contexts next to banking such as Startups, NGOs & community leaders perceive negotiation as bargaining or splitting value. Few initially see it as a skill of leadership, and potentially THE skill that allows us to have other people say ‘yes’ to us whenever we need them to do so. If we can lead another party from ‘no’ to ‘yes’ – this is leadership first and foremost. And to lead others, we need to learn to lead ourselves, too.

Negotiation skills help you in areas you would not expect. How do I unite my deal team & internal stakeholders behind a shared vision, define rules of collaboration and engagement, and make sure everyone contributes in the best possible way? How do I create substantially enough value to be distributed amongst deal parties so their incentive to say yes to us surpasses transaction costs to win their individual buy-ins? How do I deal with emotions, mine & others? How do I employ the power of process and relationship management while optimising my substantial outcome in a wise and sustainable way?

Making negotiation a central skill of our lives allows us to improve our leadership skills, helps us get more in life and most importantly, allows us to resolve conflicts together – no matter the subject. So the impact on the business is not only financial but can also be seen on a very human and personal level.

Claudia: Oh, I agree! There is so much more than meets the eye when it comes to great negotiators. So that is one advantage your role has over mine. As an outside trainer, consultant or shadow negotiator I help create value and strategy, but as an in-house function, you can create a lasting impact and change on the people themselves. I envy that (even though you are taking my job :D)

Felix: The pie is probably way larger than the sum of its perceived parts! 🙂

Claudia: For sure! I know you do internal consulting, but also training. What are some things that you notice people find easier after having come through your training?

Felix: Most describe a mindset shift away from “winning” (which is a highly abstract concept unless we define what it means for us) towards collaborative problem-solving; the stage in which the magic happens when we start creating trust, value & long-lasting relationships.

Claudia: In a nutshell, what are some of the business benefits that the increased negotiation capacity of individuals and an in-house team can bring?

Felix: Less transaction cost, less intra-team conflict, higher substantial outcomes, more trust and more overall collaboration both internally & externally.

Claudia: What have you personally found most enjoyable or challenging?

Felix: Being an intrapreneur is different from my former experiences as an entrepreneur but also very exciting. I enjoy working with global teams and being exposed to so many views & cultures daily while having the chance to build & work in one of Germany’s most iconic companies. Also, the size and complexity of deals here are quite high, which is a valuable and motivating experience.

Claudia: Where do you personally benefit most from the skills you are teaching?

Felix: I recently read that the human brain learns best when we explain or teach to others. So every time I get to teach our colleagues, I am constantly learning more myself, which is another nice win-win outcome as well.

Claudia: I feel the same! Thanks for taking the time Felix and I hope, I never see you on the other side of a deal! 😉

Felix: Haha same, but if so, I am sure we would “Go Northeast” together!

(1) Views expressed are purely personal and do not represent Deutsche Bank.

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Unleashing your Inner Negotiator: Your 8-Week Workout Plan

In the last post Negotiation Nugget, we debunked the myth that negotiation skills are an inborn skill, and I gave you 7 tips to start training your inner negotiator.

Now, it’s time to take your negotiation game seriously and join our 8-week workout plan* to build your negotiation muscle and turn you into a negotiation powerhouse.

WEEK 1+2 – Warm-up Program: Boosting Comfort Levels

Objective: Increase comfort levels, view everything as negotiable

In this warm-up phase, treat negotiations like a daily workout. Start with small, inconsequential matters:

– Leave work early for an event.

– Personal coffee machine/printer/whiteboard in the office.

– Discounts at the supermarket/clothing store.

– New case/partner/team at work.

– Conference/training attendance.

– Neighbor cat-sitting during your vacation.

– Coffee discount (or free cake).

Remember, the goal is to make negotiation a part of your daily routine, gradually building your comfort and confidence.

Try to ask for at least one extra thing a day!

WEEK 3+4 – Ask for More: Set High Goals, Conquer Fear

Objective: Set ambitious goals, overcome fear of asking too much

Now it’s time to push your boundaries and ask for more than you think is acceptable:

– Instead of a 10% discount, ask for 20%.

– Request 4 weeks of vacation instead of the usual 2.

– Negotiate for both a new phone and Airpods at work.

– Upgrade from one screen to two.

– Extend remote work in Bali to 2 months.

Challenge yourself to ask for double what you expect, breaking through your comfort zone.

WEEK 5+6 – Go for “No”: Embrace Rejection, Fuel Creativity

Objective: Aim high, expect rejection, overcome fear of being turned down

Creativity is the key in this phase. Ask for things you believe are impossible and embrace rejection as a part of the negotiation process:

– 1+1 free at the coffee shop.

– Free inspection for the second car.

– 50% off dental cleaning for you and your partner.

– Discounts on your insurance or mobile subscription.

– Free upgrade on a flight or access to the business class lounge.

Remember, a rejection is just a stepping stone to a successful negotiation. Get comfortable with the word “No.”

And you would surprised, how often I have gotten something whenever I ask in a situation I expected a sure no.

WEEK 7+8 – All In / Final Sprint: Get What Matters

Objective: Pursue what’s important, negotiate for life improvements

In the final stretch, focus on negotiations that truly matter to you:

– Work-break e.g. from 6-8 PM.

– Guaranteed night blocked for yourself every week.

– Secondment to a desired location.

– Specialized training in a specific area.

– Childcare flexibility.

– Salary increase.

– 50% contribution to evening meals from your partner.

Whatever it is that will make your life easier, now is the time to go all in and secure what will make a significant impact on your life. You’ve built your negotiation muscle—time to flex it!

Let’s do this!

Are you ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level over the next 8 weeks?

Comment “I am in” below to join our workout group so we can keep each other accountable. Research shows that we are 10 times more committed to following through with something if we do it with other people and commit to it publicly. I will personally check in with you every 2 weeks to see how it is going and if you need any help!

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

7 Steps for Leading any Client Meeting like a Pro – Even with no Preparation or Experience

A simple framework and universal tools you can use to make you look instantly more professional.

This Negotiation Nugget shares the exact 7-step framework we teach at The Negotiation Academy LLC and how the included building blocks help you radiate confidence and professionalism in any client meeting.

Client Interview and Client Counseling Framework and Steps

Let’s look at how using the framework and tools of these 7 steps can turn you into a master meeting host who exudes confidence, experience, and expertise:

1. Small Talk

The first few minutes set the tone of your work together. Make sure you show an interest in the person, engage in some small talk to create a personal connection, and make them feel comfortable and special. The better you connect, the easier your conversation will be and the more they trust and respect you. Arriving early and having prepared topics to talk about go a long way!

2. Agenda

This is your first step in controlling the conversation and making the client feel safe by radiating experience and gravitas. “Agenda” is a big word. In most conversations, you just need a few sentences about how the meeting is going to go. This can be very generic and without preparation. Even without an idea what the client will want to talk about you can already shine. Adapt a version of this:

(finishing small talk..) Okay so here is what I suggest we do to make the most of our time: Why don’t you first tell me what brings you here today/why don’t you update me on what new developments there have been since we last met/why don’t you fill me in on your perspective of what is happening to give me a fuller picture than what I have from having read the written documents. While you do, I will be taking some notes to make sure I don’t miss anything and after you are done I will surely have some questions. Then we can discuss some options and see how I could help you. Lastly, we will discuss the next steps, what it would look like if we work together, and what the fee arrangement looks like in our firm. Does that work for you?”

These are just sample elements, but do you see what this does when you start with something like this? It makes you sound amazing! Prepared, knowledgeable, experienced, and in the driver’s seat! First impressions matter, and this little opener together with your small talk will put the conversation on a promising track.

3. Client Narrative

Next, it is time to zip it and hand it over to your client. “Okay, why don’t you get us started?”. Your main job here is to NOT interrupt (I mean it, listen as if your life depended on it)!

We are all guilty of interrupting much more than we care to admit. An important question comes to mind, a reference to some other success that offers itself, a comparison, or our own experience. Research shows that this is a big no-go with severe adverse effects on your learning about the case and the relationship with the client.

Studies in a patient-doctor context show that interruptions of all kinds (questions or statements or completing their sentences) result in significantly less accurate diagnoses and less successful treatment. In 94% of interruptions, the physician ended up taking over the conversation, never returning to what the patient wanted to say at that time (now you know how I chose my doctors..).

4. Summary

This is the key moment to show how well you listen and understand your client: You summarize what they said. E.g. “Let me make sure I have got everything. So you are saying …” (summarize it all). Then you end with “Am I missing anything?“

Summarizing is a pro communicator power tool with 360° benefits for you and the client:

You are forced to listen better and can confirm that you have truly understood.
The client feels truly heard and appreciated (“Got it” does not do that job! Look at your client’s eyes lightening up when you actually summarize what they said!)
You sort your client’s thoughts and structure them for yourself and them.

This summary can already be the structure for the next steps in your conversation. E.g. “ .. I hear that we will need to talk about employment issues, incorporation, and data privacy. Shall we start with data privacy?”

5. Questions and Details / Counseling

Only now comes the actual legal talk. Starting with e.g. that Data Privacy topic, now is the time to ask your follow-up and detail questions and walk the client through their options like you always do.

6. Summary of Goals, Interests and Priorities

Towards the end, there needs to be another round of summaries that focus specifically on client goals. You know, that “client interest focus” that every firm has on their website, this is where you walk the talk! Find out what is truly driving the person on the table.

What are their most important goals and priorities?
What does this situation mean to them?
How does it impact their business?

As negotiators, we know that people will always bring us positions, but what they really care about are interests. This summary makes sure you dig for those before suggesting any action.

7. Next Steps & Fees

To wrap it up, have a small summary of what will happen next. Who is sending what to whom by when.

Fees: If the situation requires, plan to take a moment to explain fees. Most importantly: Own the topic! Don’t wait until the client needs to put themselves into an uncomfortable position to ask “how about fees?”. Because a) you don’t want the client to have to do that, and b) YOU don’t want to be caught on the back foot! Discussing fees is uncomfortable for 99% of people.. (or at least that is my impression in our trainings :D). The moment the client asks for fees, even the smoothest client interviews take a massive turn for the awkward with lawyers suddenly going “aaaah, well, usually, we, aah, do hourly rates, but we can also, aehm, see if we can maybe ahm do a package.. “

How comfortable would you be in hiring an attorney to represent your financial interest if they cannot represent their own? You and I know this might be independent, but the last impression and aura of confidence are certainly taking a hit.

So instead, prepare to mention fees yourself. This again shows that you are a confident and experienced professional (and you can keep it short and practice what you want to say beforehand 🙂

Summing up, print the 7 steps and focus on these four key takeaways for any client meeting:

Be proactive in using small talk.
Start with a small “agenda” to look extra routined.
Keep summarizing to show your competence and make the client feel heard.
Ensure that you drill down to what really matters to your client.

Try it out and let me know how it goes!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Kids and Other “Irrational Negotiators” – A Holiday Special

They say people engage in an average of 2–10 negotiations per day. This must exclude parenting and holiday family gatherings. For those, we probably have to add a “0” or two.

Once you have little negotiators in your house, everything from putting on pants to eating lunch to leaving the house becomes a negotiation (read to the end for my favorite comedian clip on that).

My kids are now 3 and 1. They both started negotiating when they were around 9 months old (“I am NOT eating my breakfast, I want yours—points and shouts“).

As I am heading into a 3-week “break from work” (spoiler alert, it isn’t; see my Out-of-Office below), I thought I’d summarize what I have learned so far about how to negotiate with children and other “reasonable” family members.

This year’s word-for-word Out-of-Office reply for Negotiation Academy.

I must note that there won’t be any negotiation classes dedicated to parenting at the Negotiation Academy anytime soon. In fact, if you see a good one, sign me up!

But here is what I have learned so far about what a seasoned negotiator can use as a novice parent.

Let’s assume

Imagine you had a big fight with your mum or dad. Now you are home, telling your spouse all about it. They try various ways to help. How would you feel about each of these attempts:

Defend the other side: “I can understand their reaction.. I mean, you have to consider that they are old now and from a different time..“
Pity: “Oh no, you poor thing. These parents always..“
Question: “Why did you say that to her if you know she is sensitive about it?“
Advice: “Maybe you should call and apologize.“
Diminishing: “Oh, don’t be so upset. You are overreacting. It’s not that bad.“
Own experience: “Oh yes, I also had a bad fight with my mum the other day. She told me that…“

Do you recognize these in your environment?

Do any of these make you feel better?

I am going to assume your answer is “No”.

What would make you feel better?

How about an empathetic response: “Oh gosh, that does sound like a horrible fight. And it must have come at the worst time when you were already exhausted from the long weekend with the kids and guests.“

Better?

Most of us grow up having our feelings denied.

It’s the small things we were told.

“It’s not a big deal!”
“You are a big boy now.”
“You are just tired.”
“Don’t make such a big drama out of it.”
“You are acting like a baby.”
“Look how brave your little sister is.”

Sound familiar?

Yes for me.

Does it work to help calm down kids (or anyone for that matter)?

No, ma’am.

Enter a negotiator strategy for meltdowns, tantrums, and everything in between:

Acknowledge, don’t diminish

Here is one bit of advice we give for dealing with difficult negotiation counterparts. But brace yourself. It’s a tough one.

No one gets up in the morning thinking, “Today I will be completely irrational.” Everybody ALWAYS makes sense to themselves.

Yes. Always.

“But surely not this XXX person.”

Yes. Everyone!

I know. I told you this was hard to believe.

But it is true. People always make sense for themselves. So do kids. Just that they are little aliens who don’t yet know how things work around here on this planet.

Here is where our power comes in. No matter if we are with irrational seeming adults or kids. Our ONLY power is to try and see how what they are doing makes sense for them.

Because here is the problem: The moment you write them off as “irrational,” you have given away all power to change the situation.

So when you find yourself getting triggered into thinking “This person is totally irrational,” ask yourself this: “How does what this person is doing/thinking make sense to them? What information am I missing so that I don’t feel like it is making sense?”

Here is the 4 part formula I have put together for myself when it comes to my toddlers.

Enter the LSAT model

I use the LSAT model (such as a lawyer, I know).

It stands for Listen, Sympathize, Acknowledge, and Talk Alternatives.

In the past 24 hours, my kids threw a fit because ..

they wanted that orange juice right now;
they wanted to keep banging on the sofa table;
they didn’t want to go to school;
they wanted to be carried all the way home (at 20kgs..).

Strong-willed communicators as they are, they often land on the floor, making sure those wishes are heard by everyone in a one-mile radius.

Enter LSAT:

Listen (don’t interrupt, diminish, or offer explanations, etc, see above)
Sympathize: Verbalize to them why they are upset. It’s counterintuitive, but try! You might add your own feelings about it. “Oh, you really want that orange juice now?” “I also really like Orange Juice.“
Acknowledge: Find a word to describe the feeling. “That must be frustrating.” “You look like you are really angry.”
Talk Alternatives: Give them two other options of what to do now. “Would you like to walk to school or sit in the pram?“

Put together, this sounds something like this (imagine a 3-year-old who has thrown themselves on the floor and shouts off the top of their lungs)

“Oh, you really want that Orange Juice now, don’t you? Orange Juice is so yummy. Do you really like Orange Juice, ha? I also really like Orange Juice. Shall we have one after lunch? Would you like the one with pulp or the one without?”

“You are upset that mummy told you not to bang on the table. You really want to bang on the table, hm? The sound is fun. It’s frustrating when we have to stop doing something that is fun. I see you like to bang something and make a noise. Would you like to play with your piano in your room, or take the tennis racket and go down and hit some balls?

“You are upset that Papa didn’t carry you home. I know, it’s so nice being carried. I would love to be carried too. All day would be best!! 🙂 Isn’t it comfortable to hang over someone’s shoulder? (looks up and nods) Would you like me to pick you up and hang over my shoulder on the sofa a little, or would you like to get a big snuggle from Papa?”

“You don’t want to go to school today ha? We are having so much fun playing cars at home. I also want to keep playing. It’s frustrating when we have to stop doing something we enjoy. We should play again when you get back. For now, do you want to have Bananas or Dragon fruit for your lunch box at school today?“

I am still a novice at this parenting game but the difference I’ve seen between saying these things and “No, you can’t have an orange juice now we are having lunch first”, “We can’t carry you, you are too heavy”, “Don’t bang on the table it’s too loud” and “But you have to go to school” is tremendous!

It seems to me, that the default we have been shown, taught, and programmed to do – talk down the feeling, explain, rationalize, tell kids what to do – just leads to kids starting out being frustrated about the situation and end up being frustrated with parents.

Like in negotiations, when feelings are denied, parties become hostile.

Age doesn’t matter.

The language will change. The underlying concepts don’t.

If you have kids (big or small :D), I am curious for you to try out LSAT!

Please make sure to let me know how it went and what other things you have discovered that work. I am all ears!

Happy Negotiation Bootcamp, aka Holidays, everyone!

See you on the other side.

Claudia

PS: As promised, here is my favorite comedy piece on negotiating with kids by Michael McIntyre.

PPS: And a book recommendation: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

How your love or hate for negotiations influences your outcome. And what to do about it.

One question I ask at the beginning of almost every single one of my workshops is: “Do you enjoy negotiating?”

Having asked this question to over 5,000 people on five continents, across many professions and cultures, I am finally no longer surprised by the typical answers I get.

On average, only about 10–20% of people raise their hands (or click “yes” in our anonymous online poll). Yes, even professionals who negotiate every day! Yes, even in cultures where bargaining is life! I know.. I was shocked at first too!

Apart from curiosity, there is a deeper reason I ask this question.

With negotiations, it is much like with public speaking. If you hate public speaking, if it makes you nervous, if you dread being on that stage, you will likely not radiate confidence and give a very persuasive presentation. More likely, your inner discomfort will make you talk as fast as possible and do everything to get off that stage as quickly as you can.

The same goes for negotiations. If you are not comfortable with the process of negotiating (or at least comfortable with the fact that you are uncomfortable), your default reaction will be to get you out of this situation as quickly as possible. You are therefore much more likely to take a less optimal deal just to escape the situation.

Now think about this: If, on the other side of that negotiation, you happen to have someone who enjoys negotiating, guess what their default reaction to the situation will be. They will make themselves comfortable in their chair! They love it and are ready to do this all day long.

Guess who is getting the better deal?

The second person!

Without even considering negotiation position, skill, or strategy, the latter person already has an advantage by the sheer fact that they are comfortable in the situation.

And more: They will learn more from the situation. Because experience only translates into expertise if we analyze and consciously work on our skills.

I learned French for 8 years at school. And to this day, I can barely order a croissant. Your guess, how much I enjoyed the process of it 😀

What can you do if you want to become more comfortable negotiating?

Negotiation is like a muscle. It only grows with conscious training. Saying I am a bad negotiator without having worked on my negotiation skills is like saying I cannot lift weights without ever having stepped foot in a gym.

You need two things:

1. Learn a proper framework

Just starting to lift weights can be dangerous. You can hurt yourself, learn the wrong routines, and not see the best results. Anyone serious about lifting would first get a trainer. Negotiations are similar. You don’t need very much, but you do need to understand the fundamentals. Collaborative vs. competitive negotiation, how to create value, how to bargain, and how to ask good questions. See if your company offers a course or take one online (there is everything from free on Coursera to mid-range on Udemy to high-end by Harvard and consorts; we have a few specially designed for lawyers hereas well).

2. Put the skills and frameworks to conscious use

Negotiation is a muscle. It grows only with practice. The bad news is that this takes time. The good news is that you can practice anywhere.

Moving house, signing a new phone contract, insurance products, banking, buying clothes, picking a caterer, hiring a swim coach, painting the house, fixing the car, deadlines with your colleagues, task distribution with your boss, salary, vacation days, etc. I bet your day has at least five negotiation opportunities, probably ten times that!

Why do we not utilize these opportunities more? A lot of times we

a) don’t notice that we are in a negotiation or

b) can’t be bothered to negotiate.

“Claudia, I don’t want to bargain about every single small thing.” “I can’t be bothered.” “I feel silly.“

You don’t have to. But this is how you will learn to get comfortable. Because if you are not comfortable asking for the thing you want or the discount you would like in your daily low-stake interaction with the lady at the market, how do you expect to be comfortable negotiating high-stakes matters with the lady who runs your company? 😉

When I was young, I used to hate to bargain or ask for things for myself. I thought it was cheap, inappropriate or a waste of time. Gender expectations further exacerbate the notion of “don’t ask anything for yourself“.

But I love to lift weights. So the moment I understood how similar the success journeys of these two skills are and that in each case it is a learned skill that only grows with practice, I started taking daily situations as serious negotiation practice. The rest is history.

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

How positional communication almost ruined my Christmas holiday

Negotiation Nuggets: Realizing that you are always in a negotiation; How to look beyond positions; How to train yourself to find interests.

“I’m sorry, the check-in is now closed.”

Over a decade ago, I called New York City home. I had a flight from NY to Uruguay booked to spend the Christmas holidays with my friend and her family.

The worst of all things happens. On December 22nd, the morning of my flight, my phone mysteriously died during the night, and my 4 AM alarm did not ring.

I wake up at 6:45. Fifteen minutes before boarding! Without wasting a second, I call a cab, grab my suitcase, and rush off to the airport. I arrive 40 minutes later, where luckily boarding has only begun 20 minutes ago.

I sprint to the check-in counter with my huge suitcase. Closed.

An airline employee is close by so I rush over and say, “I’m terribly sorry; I’m running late. I have to catch that flight!” She responds, “I’m sorry, but the check-in is closed.” So, I plead, “Isn’t there anything we can do?” “I’m afraid I can’t assist with check-in anymore; the system is closed,” she replies.

My expression freezes. I mutter a simple “Thank you” and walk away. For a moment, I stand in the terminal filled with people heading to their Christmas destinations, contemplating how all other flights are likely fully booked or exorbitantly priced on December 22nd. I can already see myself spending Christmas alone in cold and snowy New York.

Then, my inner negotiator springs into action.

I sprint back to the counter and say, “Look, the plane is still here. I can make it to the gate in time. What can we do? I need to be on that flight. I don’t care if you can’t check in my suitcase, we can put it on the next plane or in the mail or whatever, I don’t care. I just need to be on that flight!“

“Have you checked in online?” she asks.

“Yes, I have.“

“But you have a suitcase, right?“

“Yes, I do. But I don’t care! Send it on the next flight, send it by mail, whatever. I need to be on that flight.”

She starts talking into her walkie-talkie. Five minutes later, she and I are running through security with my bulky suitcase. Just before the plane’s doors close, we arrive at the gate where they take my suitcase and simply check it in there.

This was before I started Negotiation Academy. But these two key negotiationlessons will always stay with me.

Positional communication can ruin your chances of getting what you want. Her position was, “The check-in is closed”. That seemed perfectly reasonable to me. No one was there. I was late. And boarding had started. So my brain said, “Okay, that means I can no longer check in, I am screwed.” What I didn’t realise was that she thought I needed to check myself in when really it was just my suitcase (and turns out even that can be done at the gate).
Life is a negotiation. This lady had full power to run through security with me to get me on that plane with my suitcase. I was in a negotiation. But I didn’t notice that at first. To get her to go out of her way, ask security for special permission, and drop everything and run with me, I needed to do some persuasion. “Okay, thank you” after the first “check-in is closed” wasn’t gonna do that.

Become an Investigator of Interests

Our default style of thinking and communication is positional. Our brain needs to be efficient, so there is no conscious thought process that gets us from our interests to our positions. And neither does your counterpart. The positions just pop right up and we share them.

What this example shows is that the positional speaking and thinking that we are used to do often gets us nowhere when we try to negotiate.

To boost our chances of getting what we want we have to learn to actively go beyond positions. In this case, it would have meant to ask her (even if it sounds silly at first) “WHY is it a problem that the check-in is closed?” – “Because we cannot check you in any more “ “Oh, I am checked in, online“, “and because we cannot check the suitcase in” “Oh, so it’s about the suitcase?” “can we put it on the next flight, use UPS or (as it turned out) do that at the gate?”.

Realizing what was behind her position made the difference between staying snowed in and spending Christmas alone OR flying off to Uruguay for sun and holidays that winter. Or it probably saved me some $$$ for new tickets.

Whenever you feel like you are getting nowhere in your negotiation, ask yourself: Am I really talking about interests? And do I really know theirs?

Don’t get held back by your and their positional thinking and communication. Go beyond!

Happy negotiating!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

“Cognitive Dissonance” – The key to getting your way with people in negotiations

What you will learn today: how being appreciative of the person on the other side helps you get what you want; how to create “cognitive dissonance”; how to balance being soft on the person and hard on the problem

The 2nd pillar of the Harvard win-win principles talks about “being soft on the people, yet hard on the problem“.

Very logical, no?

I’ll admit, I had no idea how to practically go about that when I first heard it many years ago 😀

Okay yes, makes sense in theory, but what does this mean? How do you do that? What does it feel and sound like?

To this day, more than 10 years later, I have still only met a handful of people who truly excel at this. But those who do seem to get everything they want. It is that powerful!

“Soft on the person, hard on the problem”

The very first time I saw this skill in action was when I stood behind my friend’s wife who made a phone call to Macy’s (a US department store) to complain about a late and wrong delivery of a trench coat she needed urgently for a friend’s birthday. She was now asking that Macy’s send her the right item overnight express at their expense.

Imagine you stand behind her as she is making her call. This is what it sounded like (try to fake an American accent and read this out loud if you can for dramatic effect, then tell me what you noticed)

Yes, hello, hi Dorothy, how are you .. Fine thank you.. Listen, Dorothy, I need to file a complaint about my last delivery again, .. yes, the coat was delivered in the wrong size ANOTHER time – I am VERY frustrated right now … mhm.. mhm , I understand Dorothy, and I am so sorry you are getting the end of this but this is unacceptable and I need to have that replaced ASAP and no time to walk to the post office! Again, I am so sorry Dorothy this is coming to you.. .. how can that even happen, it’s been delivered wrong ANOTHER time after I had already complained last week?! … Again, Dorothy I know you have nothing to do with this and I am sorry you are getting the end of it but I am really frustrated with the service your company has provided there … yes, okay, thanks so much Dorothy for helping me resolve this … No I definitely need to have this sent over-night express now to have it in time for my friends birthday. And I certainly would appreciate a good discount for the hassle I had to go through twice now. .. Okay, okay that sounds good, .. Alright, thanks so much Dorothy for helping out and being so nice. You’re the best, thanks a lot, really, take care… . You too, you too, bye.

Did you hear what she did? “Thank you so much, Dorothy, I am so sorry you are getting the end of this”. “No, I definitely need to have this sent overnight express” “This is unacceptable service” “Dorothy you’re the best, take care”

She is extra friendly and appreciative to the person, saying thank you and sorry, using her name, changing her tone of voice when she talks to her, but at the same time asking in a determined way for what she needs and expressing her frustration. She is soft and supportive of the person, and hard on the problem – at the same time.

This is a brilliant strategy that you should use in any negotiation:

1) They are not expecting you to be nice and demanding at the same time and that throws them off balance a little – leaving you at an advantage.

2) This duality creates cognitive dissonance for them because their mind wants to classify you as “friend or foe” so it knows how to react. But it can’t because every time you say something nice you follow up with a serious demand, again followed by something nice. So that catches people off guard.

3) AND it triggers their need for reciprocity. Humans are primed to reciprocate the behaviour they are faced with. We are kind to people who are kind to us, and unkind to people who are unkind to us. If you are supportive and kind to them while also being hard and demanding on the substance they are torn about what to do. And often they feel like they must give back on the kindness that you give them.

Try it out, it is not only a more comfortable but also a more successful way to negotiate!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.