Negotiating for your Career – How to share your #IamRemarkable

My top 10 tips of how to shout your success over the roofs (without blowing the shingles off :D)

Last week, I went to my first #IAmRemarkable event. What a great initiative, started by a lady at Google in 2016 to empower people to celebrate their achievements and improve their self-promotion skills.

I went because as a Negotiation Trainer, one part of my work with large firms are sessions we call ‘Negotiating for your career’ ‘Beyond the billable hour’, ‘Make some noise’ or similar. In these sessions we talk about the fact that your amazing work does not speak for itself and billable hours are not enough to make it to the next level. “

At the #IamRemarkable workshop I participated in this time myself, it was all about becoming aware of what makes you, well, remarkable. You sit down in a group with a blank piece of paper and start writing “I am remarkable because…” Then you read it out loud.

For many people, this is eye-opening because we don’t usually think along these lines, we are afraid to come across as braggy, we are afraid of criticism, we feel it is not worth speaking about, or we often don’t even realize that “this small thing” is actually quite a big achievement.

Accomplishments do not speak for themselves!

As everyone went to write down their achievements and what makes them remarkable, my brain was already racing to think about the next logical step. How do you communicate all of it in a business context, bringing forward your best self in an authentic, enthusiastic and comfortable way?

Because in most business contexts you will not read out your “I am Remarkable” worksheet to your benevolent audience who rewards you with applause for your bravery.

Where are the right words when you need them?

In my experience, an equally big part of the challenge, beyond knowing what makes you stand out, is knowing just how to put it, i.e. the framing, language, context, situation and finesse of communicating your awesomeness.

Language is powerful and I often feel if only we had a better idea of how to communicate our value and accomplishments it would be much easier for people to shine an adequate light on their contributions and achievements to help them move ahead in their careers.

I would lie if I said that I find this easy myself. Like most of us, I too have been conditioned into wanting to appear modest. And the (gender) backlashes of coming across as too strong are real, so it is a very fine line to walk. But over the past 10 years, I have learned quite a few “tricks” of what works.

Here are my top 10 tips on what to share (and how)

1. Share achievements with real emotion

We all see it on LinkedIn every day: “I am elated about so and so award ..”, “Excited to share that..”, “Honored and humbled to have been selected for..”. Your friends might click “like”, but let’s be honest: Everyone is bored with these announcements or borderline annoyed. And most of us feel uncomfortable posting them but feel like we have to.

A better way: Work hard to express how it actually made you feel, or what it took to get there. Tell a story or share an obstacle that you had to overcome. Bring out as much authentic emotion as you can and people will be more likely to see this as an interesting post and you as a unique human being (see an example here about how I shared my “Top 10 L&D Providers APAC” award).

2. Celebrate Milestones

10 years, 15k followers, bar exam – all a huge deal in your life! People like celebrating with you if you share authentically. But again, authenticity is key. “It’s not bragging if it’s true” is one thing I learned at #IamRemarkable. Here is my best attempt at being my most authentic self when celebrating 15k followers in this post.

It may not behove in your position, role or industry to talk about your pet unicorn, your love for Schnitzel and how you kill off your houseplant (or you don’t care, like me). But I challenge you to push yourself to wherever your outer comfort and appropriateness level (and 10% beyond) in what makes you uniquely you when it’s time to celebrate. It gives people something to connect with you on a personal level and all the more reason to cheer you on.

3. Share knowledge

Your learnings are valuable to others and sharing it positions you as an expert without you having to shout “Look at me, I am an Expert”. This recent huge deal that you did, what did you learn from it about how to manage complex deal structures or a multitude of stakeholders? That ICO that you lead, what surprised you or what should others be aware of? That dispute that you settled, what did you learn that made your negotiations more successful?

Reflect on your work and share your learnings! And when you feel like “What can I even add, I am still junior/inexperienced compared to others” remember that there will always be someone more experienced than you, but there is also always someone less experienced than you and as long as you are even one step ahead of them, they can learn from you. And that is enough!

Look no further than this very blog post that you are reading here to see what I mean. I am no marketing expert. But I write down for you what I have taken from this workshop and the experience I have collated in my 10+ years of having to promote myself as an entrepreneur and working with professionals who have to do the same.

4. Share your take on something

A new law, judgement or industry development. Once you have become comfortable with posting things, share what your take is on those and what you think it will mean for your clients or what they need to be aware of. Just sharing an article or some news without your personal views has little value. Sharing with meaning for them will position you as an expert and give you 10x the effects of that post.

5. Tell stories

Our brains love stories. Tell a story of how your journey is going, where you have come from, what your challenges were, and what you are proud of. This could be about yourself, your team, a new initiative you have started, a non-for-profit you support, etc. You don’t do this for yourself. Stories inspire others! Even a success moment can be an unexpected story (I just saw this creative one here for being appointed to King’s Counsel).

6. Share a passion

Involved in D&I, Legal Tech, ADR? Passionate about negotiation skills, process management or AI? Find a passion and talk about it. Passion ignites passion and you will find your tribe of people. Look for up-and-coming topics in your field and focus on niche areas (especially if you find it hard to post passionate stuff about M&A, Litigation or whatever your core area of expertise).

7. Include clever language and facts about your experience

Get creative at weaving your experience and achievements into normal conversations, posts, your LinkedIn bio etc. I find a “matter of fact” language or giving context to a situation easiest: E.g. “As a lawyer who works with clients on 5 continents.. my view is..”, “Based on my background as..” “Based on my experience with more than 20 of these cases ..”

8. Use numbers

Like images, numbers speak volumes. Rather than “10 years of deal-making experience” (this is already good) you could go one step further and count the number of deals you have done. “Done 150 M&A deals“, Helped 300 companies go public”, “Enabled the largest ICO in the history of our country with 200 Mio in Investment”, “Helped negotiate deals of $50 million plus total value”, “Helped restructure more than a dozen Fortune 500 companies”, “Received the Legal Innovators Award 3 times in 5 years”.

Go dig for the metrics so people get a chance to understand better what you do and what you are really good at. It took me 2 days to collect and calculate how many participants have ever been in my in-person and online trainings across various countries and online platforms.

But here is my new headline:

“I help Tier 1 lawyers negotiate, communicate and network for their best results. Consultant, Trainer, Speaker since 2014. Trained 10k+ professionals live in 30 countries and 15k+ online in 126 countries.”

And don’t you think it was totally worth it to help people understand better what I do and why I’ve become so experienced and specialized in it? (Please say “yes“, those 2 days will never come back :D:D)

9. Use social proof (collect accolades)

Nothing persuades like other people’s recommendations. In fact, what do most of us do when we look for a doctor, an accountant, or in our case, a lawyer? Ask family, colleagues, friends.

15 Awards, a PhD and 5 papers may not be as persuasive as one strong personal recommendation.

“Most dedicated lawyer I’ve ever hired!!“

Now that has a ring to it 🙂

So when clients are raving about your work, ask them if they would be okay to put it into your LinkedIn (there is a recommendation section) or write it down in an email (or you can summarize what they said and send it back to them, thanking them for the compliment). Use these gems in your website bio, LinkedIn “about section”, annual review, promotion discussion, brochure, etc.

10. Talk about the benefit of your greatness to THEM

Remember: No one cares about what you can do. Everyone cares about what you can do for them. Frame your messaging accordingly!

“My 15 years of expertise in … allow me to immediately grasp my client’s challenges when it comes to..”,  “My experience with over 100 high steak real estate negotiations allows me to advise clients on the best strategy that does not only protect them from the risks of .. but also give them leverage in…”

Time to get to work!

One immediate way for you to start putting these into practice is to look through your LinkedIn profile.

–          What is your “Subtitle”. Are you “*Lawyer* at Firm”( yaaawn!) or a “Problem-Solving Advocate for Complex Disputes” (ohoo!)

–          What does your “About” section say (Do you even have one?)? Is it written in a personable, first-person language that captures who you are and what you do? Does it tell the reader how you can support them and how you are different from others?

–          Scroll further:  What is in the section that talks about your current job? Have you maximized that space to share what your value add is based on your experience and achievements?

–          Scrolling on:    What about Licenses, Publications, Awards, Recommendations, and Projects (just saw a great example here of how to mention projects as a lawyer). If you don’t have these sections in your LinkedIn go to “add profile section” at the top of your profile. All these sections are there for you to fill with clever language and subtle brags.

Once you are done with LinkedIn: What about the bio on your company website? Short bios you use for conferences or publications?

Two Last Tips

  1. Set aside an hour in your calendar right now to go and rework these to help you start thinking about how to better express your achievements, capabilities and what they can do for your career, client or promotion. We all know if it’s not in your calendar it’s not happening.
  2. Then copy this post and come back to the list later and see what posts and blogs you could write as you start your #IamRemarkable journey and Negotiate for your career by becoming more conscious of how you communicate your achievements.

If you need, print out your new mantra or stick it to your screen with a post it:

“Accomplishments do not speak for themselves.”

To your success! And I hope you share this post with everyone around you who also struggles to make their achievements noticed!

Dr. Claudia

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Leveraging Negotiation in Legal Practice: An interview with BGPartners CEO Elena Mégevand-Valli

I recently spoke to Elena Mégevand-Valli, partner and CEO at BGPartner | Attorneys-at-law, a Swiss boutique business law firm that has put Negotiation front and center in its philosophy and identity. In this week’s ‘Negotiation Nugget’ she shares how their firm has embraced Negotiation as a way of thinking, how it all got started and what she thinks it means for the future of the business. Enjoy!

—

C: Great to reconnect, Elena! Your firm’s pretty unique “Mastering Law and Negotiation” slogan caught my eye. Tell me more about it!

E: Most lawyers negotiate all the time, yet negotiation isn’t usually emphasized in legal education. We recognized its added value and integrated it into the DNA of our firm. Negotiation is not just a skill; it’s a mindset and a strategic approach that permeates every aspect of our practice. By highlighting negotiation alongside legal expertise, we aim to provide comprehensive and effective solutions to our clients’ needs.

C: I love this approach! Why do you think most firms don’t place as big an emphasis on negotiation?

E: I’m not entirely sure. Some might believe they’re already proficient negotiators, while others may underestimate the importance or think there’s nothing new to learn. Additionally, legal education traditionally focuses heavily on substantive legal knowledge, leaving little room for negotiation training. However, negotiation is a dynamic skill that requires continuous development and refinement. It’s about understanding human behavior, psychology, and communication, all of which are vital in achieving favorable outcomes for our clients.

C: How did the focus on negotiation start at your firm?

E: Oliver Gnehm, our chairman and I invested significant time in our own negotiation training and realized its power. We then developed a concept and made a concerted effort to roll it out firm-wide. We conducted workshops, seminars, and provided resources to ensure that every member of our team understands the importance, principles and techniques of negotiation. It wasn’t just about teaching negotiation as a skill but embedding it into our firm’s culture and ethos.

C: What does the training for lawyers look like at your firm?

E: As a small firm, we ensure everyone speaks the same language and shares our values. We offer both internal and external training, incorporating concepts from Harvard, behavioural theory and modern conflict management. Our training isn’t just about teaching negotiation tactics; it’s about fostering a deeper understanding of negotiation as a strategic tool. We delve into topics such as effective communication, building rapport, managing emotions, and creative problem-solving.

C: How does this focus on negotiation impact your daily work with clients?

E: When clients come to us, we approach their cases with a negotiator’s mindset. We delve into their underlying interests, not just their rights. We provide strategic alternatives and guide them through a process that ensures they achieve their best outcomes. For example, in a recent case involving a contract dispute, instead of solely focusing on legal arguments, we explored potential negotiation strategies to resolve the issue amicably and efficiently. By considering the broader context and the client’s objectives, we were able to reach a favourable resolution that not only protected their legal rights but also preserved the relationship with the counterparty and created additional value for both sides.

C: You’d think all firms would adopt this approach, right?

E:You’d think so! However, clients often tell us that while other firms provide legal assessments, they lack strategic guidance.

C: How do you ensure your teams keep developing their negotiation skills?

E:We work in small teams and utilize checklists. We have regular update calls with case reports discussing lessons learned in high-stakes negotiation, and our team members use each other as sparring partners to prepare for negotiation and ask each other for advice. Every few weeks, we focus on a negotiation challenge, with one member leading the discussion. Additionally, we encourage our team members to attend external training programs, participate in workshops, and engage in peer-to-peer learning opportunities.

C: Does this focus on negotiation help attract clients to your firm?

E: We usually don’t specifically ask new clients why they choose us, but we do attract clients interested in our negotiation skills. They are sometimes surprised that we put so much emphasis on this topic next to our legal excellence, but we regularly receive very positive feedback. Our clients appreciate more and more the value we create when we advise them on upcoming negotiations or negotiate on their behalf. So, it seems to be a step in the right direction.

C: Can you provide an example of how this approach benefits clients?

E:Certainly. We recently worked with a large construction company that had consulted three other firms. While the others assessed their legal rights, the client wanted concrete recommendations on what to do next. We combined legal analysis with an understanding of the company’s goals and recommended a strategic negotiation approach. Instead of getting bogged down in contract interpretation, we focused on communication and pragmatic negotiation steps, which ultimately led to a more favorable outcome for the client.

C: Thank you, Elena. It’s been great speaking with you! Keep up the pioneering work!

E: Great catching up, Claudia. You too! 🙂

PS. If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Deutsche Bank Office for Negotiation: An interview with Felix Miller, VP Deal Expert

Claudia: Felix, great to see you, I am excited to sit down with a fellow negotiation professional and share experiences(1)!

Felix: Same here, always a treat to see you!

Claudia: You are VP Deal Expert and one of the co-founders of Deutsche Bank’s Office for Negotiation. I love this because it is so unique to have a dedicated negotiation department in a company like this, and it really shows the immense leverage negotiation skills can give. Can you tell me a bit more about how this department came about and what you do?

Felix: For decades, most people have perceived negotiation as something we only need at a big conference table or in sales or procurement. However, experience and research clearly show that negotiation is one of the most powerful and omnipresent skills we need to use in our daily lives and business dealings. Our Office for Negotiation is a central one-stop-shop offering negotiation excellence as a service throughout the bank.

Claudia: “Negotiation as a Service“, I love that description because it shows the time you free up on other people’s plates and the specialization, expertise and value you can bring to the table as the expert who does JUST THIS.

Speaking about value, I love the motto you have, “Going Northeast”. Where does it come from?

Felix: The northeast direction in our logo’s design stands for the bank’s vision of moving forward and achieving robust (the square around the line) success in the global financial landscape. In negotiation, moving ‘northeast’ stands for achieving “win-win” results. I.e. a value-add result where both sides maximize their outcome in a way that no party could have gotten more without taking some from the other and both sides meet or exceed all their interests.

Claudia: The Pareto-optimal negotiation result! With negotiation being such a key future skill, very practically speaking, what impact do you see these skills having in a big business environment like Deutsche?

Felix: Many people I met and worked with in a variety of contexts next to banking such as Startups, NGOs & community leaders perceive negotiation as bargaining or splitting value. Few initially see it as a skill of leadership, and potentially THE skill that allows us to have other people say ‘yes’ to us whenever we need them to do so. If we can lead another party from ‘no’ to ‘yes’ – this is leadership first and foremost. And to lead others, we need to learn to lead ourselves, too.

Negotiation skills help you in areas you would not expect. How do I unite my deal team & internal stakeholders behind a shared vision, define rules of collaboration and engagement, and make sure everyone contributes in the best possible way? How do I create substantially enough value to be distributed amongst deal parties so their incentive to say yes to us surpasses transaction costs to win their individual buy-ins? How do I deal with emotions, mine & others? How do I employ the power of process and relationship management while optimising my substantial outcome in a wise and sustainable way?

Making negotiation a central skill of our lives allows us to improve our leadership skills, helps us get more in life and most importantly, allows us to resolve conflicts together – no matter the subject. So the impact on the business is not only financial but can also be seen on a very human and personal level.

Claudia: Oh, I agree! There is so much more than meets the eye when it comes to great negotiators. So that is one advantage your role has over mine. As an outside trainer, consultant or shadow negotiator I help create value and strategy, but as an in-house function, you can create a lasting impact and change on the people themselves. I envy that (even though you are taking my job :D)

Felix: The pie is probably way larger than the sum of its perceived parts! 🙂

Claudia: For sure! I know you do internal consulting, but also training. What are some things that you notice people find easier after having come through your training?

Felix: Most describe a mindset shift away from “winning” (which is a highly abstract concept unless we define what it means for us) towards collaborative problem-solving; the stage in which the magic happens when we start creating trust, value & long-lasting relationships.

Claudia: In a nutshell, what are some of the business benefits that the increased negotiation capacity of individuals and an in-house team can bring?

Felix: Less transaction cost, less intra-team conflict, higher substantial outcomes, more trust and more overall collaboration both internally & externally.

Claudia: What have you personally found most enjoyable or challenging?

Felix: Being an intrapreneur is different from my former experiences as an entrepreneur but also very exciting. I enjoy working with global teams and being exposed to so many views & cultures daily while having the chance to build & work in one of Germany’s most iconic companies. Also, the size and complexity of deals here are quite high, which is a valuable and motivating experience.

Claudia: Where do you personally benefit most from the skills you are teaching?

Felix: I recently read that the human brain learns best when we explain or teach to others. So every time I get to teach our colleagues, I am constantly learning more myself, which is another nice win-win outcome as well.

Claudia: I feel the same! Thanks for taking the time Felix and I hope, I never see you on the other side of a deal! 😉

Felix: Haha same, but if so, I am sure we would “Go Northeast” together!

 

(1) Views expressed are purely personal and do not represent Deutsche Bank.

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Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Buying an Audi for the price of a Volkswagen

Or how to Make Bargaining a Gift for Both

In the world of negotiations, there’s a fine art to getting what you want without leaving the other party feeling like they’ve been shortchanged. A few years ago, my friend Dana demonstrated this artistry when he managed to snag an Audi A4 for the price of a Volkswagen Golf.

You heard that right – an A4 for the price of a Golf!

How did she do it? Let’s dive into the story and extract some valuable lessons in negotiation along the way.

Step 1: Research and Preparation

Dana didn’t walk into the dealership blindfolded. She did her homework. She knew the dealer price, wholesale price, current promotions, models that were on the way out and the typical discounts Audi dealers were willing to offer.

Step 2: Clarity of Intent

Dana went into negotiations with a clear idea of what she wanted – that Audi A4 at a specific price. Having a precise target in mind helped her steer the negotiations towards her desired outcome.

Step 3: Patience

Negotiations can be a waiting game. Dana spent multiple weeks in negotiations, showing no signs of impatience or desperation. She understood that rushing could sabotage her chances of getting the deal she wanted.

Step 4: Express Interest

Throughout the negotiation process, Dana consistently expressed her interest in the car at the desired price. This signaled to the dealer that she was serious about the purchase. This may seem counterintuitive at first, but showing commitment can actually work better than a cold “Oh, I don’t really want it” approach if you want the other side to work with you.

Step 5: Collaboration

Instead of viewing the negotiation as a battle, Dana collaborated with the salesperson. Together, they explored various avenues for discounts – from manufacturer incentives to trade-in deals, prolonged warranty, free tires and seasonal promotions.

Step 6: Negotiation Power

Besides the Information she had collected and the relationship she had built, Dana also created leverage in numbers by timing her purchase with two other friends. Presenting the potential of selling three cars instead of one created hug purchasing power on her side, and an equally huge incentive on the car dealer’s side to get the deal.

Step 7: Relationship Building

Dana leveraged her existing relationship with the dealership. Having purchased her previous car there, she highlighted her loyalty and hinted at potential future business.

Step 8: Win-Win

Ultimately, Dana achieved a win-win scenario. While she walked away with an Audi A4 for the price of a Volkswagen Golf, the car dealer also benefited. Selling three cars in one go significantly boosted the salesperson’s commission (Dana encouraged him to negotiate his commission with his boss, and he got an increase to almost double his normal commission too!).

In essence, bargaining isn’t just about driving a hard bargain; it’s about finding creative solutions that satisfy both parties. By following these steps – from thorough research to fostering collaboration and maintaining patience – you too can turn bargaining into a gift for both sides.

So, the next time you’re in a negotiation, remember: it’s not about who can outwit the other, but rather how you can work together to find a solution that leaves everyone feeling like a winner.

Whether it’s for your new car or your client’s contract – the power is with those who collaborate!

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Unleashing your Inner Negotiator: Your 8-Week Workout Plan

In the last post  Negotiation Nugget, we debunked the myth that negotiation skills are an inborn skill, and I gave you 7 tips to start training your inner negotiator.

Now, it’s time to take your negotiation game seriously and join our 8-week workout plan* to build your negotiation muscle and turn you into a negotiation powerhouse.

 

WEEK 1+2 – Warm-up Program: Boosting Comfort Levels

Objective: Increase comfort levels, view everything as negotiable

In this warm-up phase, treat negotiations like a daily workout. Start with small, inconsequential matters:

– Leave work early for an event.

– Personal coffee machine/printer/whiteboard in the office.

– Discounts at the supermarket/clothing store.

– New case/partner/team at work.

– Conference/training attendance.

– Neighbor cat-sitting during your vacation.

– Coffee discount (or free cake).

Remember, the goal is to make negotiation a part of your daily routine, gradually building your comfort and confidence.

Try to ask for at least one extra thing a day!

WEEK 3+4 – Ask for More: Set High Goals, Conquer Fear

Objective: Set ambitious goals, overcome fear of asking too much

Now it’s time to push your boundaries and ask for more than you think is acceptable:

– Instead of a 10% discount, ask for 20%.

– Request 4 weeks of vacation instead of the usual 2.

– Negotiate for both a new phone and Airpods at work.

– Upgrade from one screen to two.

– Extend remote work in Bali to 2 months.

Challenge yourself to ask for double what you expect, breaking through your comfort zone.

WEEK 5+6 – Go for “No”: Embrace Rejection, Fuel Creativity

Objective: Aim high, expect rejection, overcome fear of being turned down

Creativity is the key in this phase. Ask for things you believe are impossible and embrace rejection as a part of the negotiation process:

– 1+1 free at the coffee shop.

– Free inspection for the second car.

– 50% off dental cleaning for you and your partner.

– Discounts on your insurance or mobile subscription.

– Free upgrade on a flight or access to the business class lounge.

Remember, a rejection is just a stepping stone to a successful negotiation. Get comfortable with the word “No.”

And you would surprised, how often I have gotten something whenever I ask in a situation I expected a sure no.

WEEK 7+8 – All In / Final Sprint: Get What Matters

Objective: Pursue what’s important, negotiate for life improvements

In the final stretch, focus on negotiations that truly matter to you:

– Work-break e.g. from 6-8 PM.

– Guaranteed night blocked for yourself every week.

– Secondment to a desired location.

– Specialized training in a specific area.

– Childcare flexibility.

– Salary increase.

– 50% contribution to evening meals from your partner.

Whatever it is that will make your life easier, now is the time to go all in and secure what will make a significant impact on your life. You’ve built your negotiation muscle—time to flex it!

Let’s do this!

Are you ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level over the next 8 weeks?

Comment “I am in” below to join our workout group so we can keep each other accountable. Research shows that we are 10 times more committed to following through with something if we do it with other people and commit to it publicly. I will personally check in with you every 2 weeks to see how it is going and if you need any help!

To your negotiation success!

 

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

Creating Rapport – Even with people you can’t stand

A few years ago, I was meant to interview James Corden (carpool karaoke anyone?) at a business conference in Los Angeles. I had prepared all my witty introductions, clever questions about his negotiation habits, and more. It was going to be great.

About an hour before the interview, the conference organizers told me that James wasn’t coming because his wife had to go to the hospital and that I was going to be on the stage with Charlie Sheen instead. I froze.

While I had been a big fan of Two and a Half Men as a teenager, the things he has been known for since triggered everything but positive feelings in me for this person.

I panicked. What should I say to this man whose behavior and reputation I wanted nothing to do with?

Once I had moved past my initial shock, I looked at the advice I give to negotiators who are faced with a counterpart they do not like or get along with well:

 

Look for commonalities and things you can appreciate, no matter how small.

 

I thought long and hard. Did we have anything in common?? I didn’t think so.

But eventually, I found something. It was risky and cheeky. But I figured risky and cheeky was exactly what this situation called for.

 

You can see how nervous I was.

But it worked!

We got a big laugh from the 2,500 people staring at us in anticipation.

To this day, I still can’t believe I said this to him. But he was a good sport, and it sure did break the ice, got us going with a laugh, and made the audience comfortable. And I could take it from there.

 

In a negotiation, you cannot allow your personal feelings to influence your chances of getting a good deal.

 

Here are the two tips I have for negotiators who find themselves with a counterpart they are having difficulty connecting with:

 

  1. Find something about them that you can appreciate

This can be hard – but try harder! There has to be something about that person that you can relate to, that is good, that is a silver lining. Nobody is all evil. It could be things they have done in the past (Two and Half Men was pretty cool when I was a teenager) or something where taking their perspective helps you appreciate why they might act the way they are acting.

Say you are negotiating with a counterpart who seems to have all kinds of unreasonable demands that they are trying to push. Try to imagine the kind of pressure they might be getting from their firm, partner, or client. Then articulate it. Say something like “I was just thinking about this case last night and how tricky it must be on your side as well having to deal with all these conflicting and ever-changing interests“. The way you say that matters! Not as a tactic, not condescending, but with true empathy for the situation. This won’t change your entire relationship, but it can go a long way in building a bridge to the other person.

Or say your flight gets cancelled and everyone is rushing to the counter to rebook. The staff is overwhelmed and passengers are impatient. Try for yourself what difference it will make if you approach them with a smile and honest appreciation of what they are trying to do and how hard their job is at the moment. An authentic  “wow, I’ve been watching you from the back for a while and I am so impressed with what grace you are handling this stressful situation” can change your encounter with that person (and your chances for an upgrade 😉 by 180 degrees!

Frenemies posing post-interview =)

     2. Find commonalities

Like in my Charlie Sheen situation, it can be hard to find commonalities with people you don’t like. We may also not want to. “I have nothing in common with this person“, was the first thing I noticed myself thinking. If we don’t like someone, the last thing we want to think is that we have anything in common.

But chances are that we do! So, if a poor relationship with someone is getting in the way, look out for them. I have seen people who do not speak with each other suddenly bond over the most random things! Like their love for durian (a smelly and very polarizing fruit in Asia), or their passion for fine wines where suddenly they can one-up each other (hey, at least they are talking), or their daughters both being semi-professional air rifle shooters training for the Olympics (until last week I had no idea that was even a competitive sport!). From my examples, you see that the more rare the commonality, the stronger the connection. So look for these!

I truly believe that whoever it is, no matter how “bad” the situation or connection, if you are determined, you can always find something.

And it may not always work or succeed in improving the relationship on the first attempt. But without giving it a try, you have already given up.

Not trying means that you have given away your power to make a positive contribution to that relationship and the possible deal or benefit that can come out of it.

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

 

How positional communication almost ruined my Christmas holiday

Negotiation Nuggets: Realizing that you are always in a negotiation; How to look beyond positions; How to train yourself to find interests.

“I’m sorry, the check-in is now closed.”

Over a decade ago, I called New York City home. I had a flight from NY to Uruguay booked to spend the Christmas holidays with my friend and her family.

The worst of all things happens. On December 22nd, the morning of my flight, my phone mysteriously died during the night, and my 4 AM alarm did not ring.

I wake up at 6:45. Fifteen minutes before boarding! Without wasting a second, I call a cab, grab my suitcase, and rush off to the airport. I arrive 40 minutes later, where luckily boarding has only begun 20 minutes ago.

I sprint to the check-in counter with my huge suitcase. Closed.

An airline employee is close by so I rush over and say, “I’m terribly sorry; I’m running late. I have to catch that flight!” She responds, “I’m sorry, but the check-in is closed.” So, I plead, “Isn’t there anything we can do?” “I’m afraid I can’t assist with check-in anymore; the system is closed,” she replies.

My expression freezes. I mutter a simple “Thank you” and walk away. For a moment, I stand in the terminal filled with people heading to their Christmas destinations, contemplating how all other flights are likely fully booked or exorbitantly priced on December 22nd. I can already see myself spending Christmas alone in cold and snowy New York.

Then, my inner negotiator springs into action.

I sprint back to the counter and say, “Look, the plane is still here. I can make it to the gate in time. What can we do? I need to be on that flight. I don’t care if you can’t check in my suitcase, we can put it on the next plane or in the mail or whatever, I don’t care. I just need to be on that flight!“

“Have you checked in online?” she asks.

“Yes, I have.“

“But you have a suitcase, right?“

“Yes, I do. But I don’t care! Send it on the next flight, send it by mail, whatever. I need to be on that flight.”

She starts talking into her walkie-talkie. Five minutes later, she and I are running through security with my bulky suitcase. Just before the plane’s doors close, we arrive at the gate where they take my suitcase and simply check it in there.

This was before I started Negotiation Academy. But these two key negotiationlessons will always stay with me.

  1. Positional communication can ruin your chances of getting what you want. Her position was, “The check-in is closed”. That seemed perfectly reasonable to me. No one was there. I was late. And boarding had started. So my brain said, “Okay, that means I can no longer check in, I am screwed.” What I didn’t realise was that she thought I needed to check myself in when really it was just my suitcase (and turns out even that can be done at the gate).
  2. Life is a negotiation. This lady had full power to run through security with me to get me on that plane with my suitcase. I was in a negotiation. But I didn’t notice that at first. To get her to go out of her way, ask security for special permission, and drop everything and run with me, I needed to do some persuasion. “Okay, thank you” after the first “check-in is closed” wasn’t gonna do that.

Become an Investigator of Interests

Our default style of thinking and communication is positional. Our brain needs to be efficient, so there is no conscious thought process that gets us from our interests to our positions. And neither does your counterpart. The positions just pop right up and we share them.

What this example shows is that the positional speaking and thinking that we are used to do often gets us nowhere when we try to negotiate.

To boost our chances of getting what we want we have to learn to actively go beyond positions. In this case, it would have meant to ask her (even if it sounds silly at first) “WHY is it a problem that the check-in is closed?” – “Because we cannot check you in any more “ “Oh, I am checked in, online“, “and because we cannot check the suitcase in” “Oh, so it’s about the suitcase?” “can we put it on the next flight, use UPS or (as it turned out) do that at the gate?”.

Realizing what was behind her position made the difference between staying snowed in and spending Christmas alone OR flying off to Uruguay for sun and holidays that winter. Or it probably saved me some $$$ for new tickets.

Whenever you feel like you are getting nowhere in your negotiation, ask yourself: Am I really talking about interests? And do I really know theirs?

Don’t get held back by your and their positional thinking and communication. Go beyond!

Happy negotiating!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

“Cognitive Dissonance” – The key to getting your way with people in negotiations

What you will learn today: how being appreciative of the person on the other side helps you get what you want; how to create “cognitive dissonance”; how to balance being soft on the person and hard on the problem

The 2nd pillar of the Harvard win-win principles talks about “being soft on the people, yet hard on the problem“.

Very logical, no?

I’ll admit, I had no idea how to practically go about that when I first heard it many years ago 😀

Okay yes, makes sense in theory, but what does this mean? How do you do that? What does it feel and sound like?

To this day, more than 10 years later, I have still only met a handful of people who truly excel at this. But those who do seem to get everything they want. It is that powerful!

“Soft on the person, hard on the problem”

The very first time I saw this skill in action was when I stood behind my friend’s wife who made a phone call to Macy’s (a US department store) to complain about a late and wrong delivery of a trench coat she needed urgently for a friend’s birthday. She was now asking that Macy’s send her the right item overnight express at their expense.

Imagine you stand behind her as she is making her call. This is what it sounded like (try to fake an American accent and read this out loud if you can for dramatic effect, then tell me what you noticed)

Yes, hello, hi Dorothy, how are you .. Fine thank you.. Listen, Dorothy, I need to file a complaint about my last delivery again, ..  yes, the coat was delivered in the wrong size ANOTHER time – I am VERY frustrated right now … mhm.. mhm , I understand Dorothy, and I am so sorry you are getting the end of this but this is unacceptable and I need to have that replaced ASAP and no time to walk to the post office! Again, I am so sorry Dorothy this is coming to you.. .. how can that even happen, it’s been delivered wrong ANOTHER time after I had already complained last week?!  … Again, Dorothy I know you have nothing to do with this and I am sorry you are getting the end of it but I am really frustrated with the service your company has provided there … yes, okay, thanks so much Dorothy for helping me resolve this … No I definitely need to have this sent over-night express now to have it in time for my friends birthday. And I certainly would appreciate a good discount for the hassle I had to go through twice now. .. Okay, okay that sounds good, .. Alright, thanks so much Dorothy for helping out and being so nice. You’re the best, thanks a lot, really, take care… . You too, you too, bye.

Did you hear what she did? “Thank you so much, Dorothy, I am so sorry you are getting the end of this”. “No, I definitely need to have this sent overnight express” “This is unacceptable service” “Dorothy you’re the best, take care”

She is extra friendly and appreciative to the person, saying thank you and sorry, using her name, changing her tone of voice when she talks to her, but at the same time asking in a determined way for what she needs and expressing her frustration. She is soft and supportive of the person, and hard on the problem – at the same time.

This is a brilliant strategy that you should use in any negotiation:

1) They are not expecting you to be nice and demanding at the same time and that throws them off balance a little – leaving you at an advantage.

2) This duality creates cognitive dissonance for them because their mind wants to classify you as “friend or foe” so it knows how to react. But it can’t because every time you say something nice you follow up with a serious demand, again followed by something nice. So that catches people off guard.

3) AND it triggers their need for reciprocity. Humans are primed to reciprocate the behaviour they are faced with. We are kind to people who are kind to us, and unkind to people who are unkind to us. If you are supportive and kind to them while also being hard and demanding on the substance they are torn about what to do. And often they feel like they must give back on the kindness that you give them.

Try it out, it is not only a more comfortable but also a more successful way to negotiate!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

 

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.
Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.