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Creating and Capturing Value in Negotiations as In House Counsel

70% of in-house counsel said they negotiate “daily” or “all the time” when polled at the recent ACC (Association of Corporate Counsel) APAC Annual Conference where I spoke with my dear colleagues Terry D. Thornley, General Counsel APAC Spencer Stuart, Nathalia Lossovska, Head of Legal, APAC Willis Tower Watson, and Wee Meng Chuan, CEO of the Singapore International Mediation Centre.

Yet at the same time, only 30% feel adequately equipped with skills and tools to optimize their results.

Building on these all-too-common statistics, my co-panellists and I shared some of the most effective negotiation approaches and common mistakes. This post summarizes the top 5 learnings and stories for in-house counsel to take away for their daily work, and one that you can use for your personal gourmet adventures around the world 😊

1. Uncover the true interests of the other party

Imagine a common contracting issue: A successful architect sues a developer for unpaid fees on a project he had worked on but because of a dispute was not able to finish. To add insult to injury, after his removal from the project, the developer submitted the development for a design competition and won. But the name of the original architect had been removed. Sting!

It was only in Mediation, a process of facilitated negotiation that uses the help of a neutral third person, that the parties discovered that this sting, not the money, was the main driver for the architect’s claim. With the architect’s name back on the project, the developer went on to compete in a second competition, and the deal was sealed. A win-win also for the developer, who submits his project with the name of this famous architect.

Remember: Positions are what the other side will tell you, e.g. suing for money. Interests are what they are really after, e.g. recognition and reputation here. But you have to build trust with the other side and dig deeper to find out about these!

2. Uncover the real power of your alternatives

A supplier with the contractual obligation to deliver a specific gearbox part to you suddenly demands a 20% price increase, or they will stop delivering next quarter. Your business chiefs try to negotiate, but the supplier won’t budge. Fronts are hard. So the chiefs come running to you. “Enforce this contract with full steam.”

The situation looks dire: Failing further deliveries, your plant of 5,000 people will stand still within as little as 2 months. A positive outcome of a lawsuit is far from guaranteed under the current market conditions with the supplier claiming all kinds of hardship. And even IF you win, enforcement will never be fast enough to keep your plant running. You may have a contractual right – but no power to force the other side to deliver. In Negotiator terms: Your BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement, aka Plan B) is weak. That is wrong. It’s horrible.

Once in-house counsel in this case had analysed the full picture of the situation, only one real alternative emerged, and it was not “enforcing with full steam”. The company had to get back to the negotiation table if they wanted to rescue this.

Reopening stalled negotiations and finding common ground was not an easy task, but paid off when they found out that the supplier’s main shareholder wanted to get rid of this unprofitable part of the business. Together they found a buyer who agreed to purchase the business unit and the client offered a longer contract with minimum quantities as a guarantee. The plant keeps running. The supplier also achieved their goal of selling.

Remember: When the business comes to you and shouts for “enforcement” and “getting their rights”, make sure you take a step back and analyse your alternatives (BATNA) and the most likely outcome to achieve the actual business needs behind it. As mentioned in point #1, people will come with their positions. Your job is to find their interests and get them the corresponding results.

3. Prepare – prepare – prepare

“80% of negotiation success is determined before you enter the negotiation”. Internal negotiations are no different. “When negotiating for headcount and budgeting in the firm, I make sure I walk in with a bulletproof business case”, one panellist shared.

If nothing else, think about the “3Ps” before going into a negotiation: People, Process, Preparation.

This includes researching the opposite party, their interests, priorities and quirks, including everything you could use to connect to them on a personal level.

Remember: By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Nothing makes you more confident in your negotiation than solid preparation and it’s not just the matter at hand, but the person and process just as much.

4. Be proactive about rapport-building

“We went into a negotiation where a colleague saw a former team member and suddenly became MUCH too cooperative”, one panellist shared. A personal connection can go a long way, so be sure to have it working FOR you, not against you.

Creating rapport with the other side can make or break a deal and we often underestimate the power of sharing a meal or connecting over a coffee.

“Many of our mediations get settled over a coffee outside the mediation room. Yet, parties spend too much time preparing their arguments, and not enough time on how to create rapport with the other side. We are more likely to get a “yes” if we establish a positive relationship, get them to listen, and get through to them if we build a personal connection”, another panellist added.

Remember: People want to say “yes” to people they like. Showing up with a genuine effort to make a good deal for both sides and building trust and rapport goes a long way.

5. Identify all competing interests and sequence negotiations strategically

“The CEO said we need this strategic deal closed as soon as possible”, one panellist shared. Many in the audience could relate to this narrow focus on a single interest. However, the negotiation team consisting of multiple stakeholders raised other competing interests (e.g. the price, the ability to integrate the software into the organization, the ability to fit the client’s needs, etc.)

The negotiation was split into two steps, first an investment and second a potential buyout. Because the negotiation of the two steps took time, it gave the other stakeholders time to highlight competing interests with the CEO, complete further diligence, and eventually determine that the deal need not meet all the required interests.

During this process, the team had regular updates with the CEO to bring her along the journey confirming the additional interests, identifying the various diligence issues, and ultimately agreeing not to move forward with the deal.

Remember: Initial management statements are not always the full picture. Competing interests need to be surfaced and addressed as early as possible. It is important to strategically sequence the negotiation to provide time to fully vet and analyse interests. Finally, it is important to bring stakeholders along on this journey.

And one more pro tip I loved to take away: One of the panellists worked with a partner in Peru who had a special restaurant “negotiation move”. Upon arrival, he would hand the waiter a 100$ note and a 20$ upfront tip and say “Bring me what you would have for 100$”. This generosity, trust advance and flexibility often gets him off menu items, the freshest ingredients and a spread of a meal well beyond the investment. Small moves of establishing rapport, being vulnerable and giving a trust advance in daily negotiations can go a long way.

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Each week, you will get a bite-size email unpacking some of the most fundamental negotiation concepts that you can apply in your everyday negotiations, along with an insight video and book recommendation to go further in areas you want to learn more about.

From AVERAGE to LEVERAGE. Closing the expectation gap of legal negotiation skills.

Negation-savvy lawyers are changing the dynamic of the legal profession.

Unfortunately, they are still the exception.

There. I said it. Most lawyers are pretty average when it comes to negotiation skills. How do I know? I have seen more than 10,000 lawyers negotiate over the past 10+ years. And thank god, most of them were mock negotiations in a training setting.

Feel free to go hate me. Or let me back up and explain. And then tell you how you can use this to your advantageand swim in the top 10% pretty quickly!

I have been part of the legal fraternity for 25+ years and I can confidently say that we are one of the most specialized subject matter experts there are. Studious, hard-working, always well-informed.

But there is one thing most of us are not: natural negotiators.

The Expectation Gap

Here is the irony: To the public, there is the perception (and expectation!) that lawyers must be very skilled negotiators because of the sheer pervasiveness of negotiation skills in our work. And they wouldn’t be wrong in expecting this. Negotiating a deal, a contract, a settlement, or persuading a judge or a client – almost all our work involves negotiation.

The reality often falls short. While we go through years and years of law school, bar exams and practical legal training (more than 10 years in some countries!) there is hardly any training on negotiation skills, techniques and frameworks.

The uncomfortable truth: Without training, lawyers are no better than others in negotiating! We are not born with some magical talent.

And even more uncomfortable: Most enter the legal profession having had NO training whatsoever.

This “oversight” (trying not to cringe at this understatement of the year) leaves a conspicuous gap between the expectations placed upon lawyers and their actual proficiency in negotiation.

The Client’s Reaction

The consequences of this gap are profound. Lawyers have a bad reputation among business people. I hear it time and again: “We try to keep the lawyers out of the negotiation; they screw everything up.“

This might be a particularly harsh statement. When asked about what this means, clients will usually talk about a lack of flexibility, a lack of understanding of the business, too much focus on the law, too much focus on rights rather than results, and good old CYA (cover your ass) approach rather than interest-focused creativity.

The problem: A focus on rights rather than results.

Experience Doesn’t equate to Expertise

Okay, this was very Austrian-direct-no-fluff-tough-love.

Have I offended you or are you reading on?

Okay good

Because from here there is about a 50/50 split. Some lawyers admit that they would love to be much better trained when it comes to negotiation skills. And then there is team “But I have 10/20/30 years of experience!!“

The problem: Clients want to hire neither.

Here is why: Even 20 years of negotiation experience that has gone without training and feedback can be as good as that special tomato sauce that you started to make for your pasta when you were a law school student. By now you have done it all your life. But you still wouldn’t go on Master Chef with it, would you? Or the many hours you spent on a soccer field when you were younger. Why are you not playing for Barca yet?

Experience is not Expertise.

So basically, those frequently cited “20 years of negotiation experience” often turn out to be 1 year of experience, multiplied by 20, when you put people in a real-life negotiation scenario and let a professional assess their actual level of proficiency in negotiation.

Why does that happen?

Not only do many negotiators start building their experience on a wrong/limited approach as positional bargainers who have never learned to strike value-add deals, but also do their patterns perpetuate over time. Whether that is a positional approach, an inability to adapt to the counterparty, a lack of asking the right questions, a lack of preparation, or a lack of creativity, old habits die hard without training and feedback.

Also, without outside input, pro tools like the way to structure a negotiation process, the way to frame proposals, work on options with the other side, analyse and boost your negotiation strength, anchor the other side, create value through trades, de-escalation techniques, game theory and decision science never gets built into a negotiators’ toolbox, missing tremendous value there too.

All the above are reasons why studies show that trained negotiators outperform experienced negotiators.

Enter the “Legotiator”

Legal Negotiators, or Legotiators, as I like to call them (Oxford, can we register that? :D), will shift the dynamic of the future.

Saving companies billions in settling disputes that seem intractable.
Concluding creative deals that help add value on both sides.
Negotiating contracts that not only save the drafter’s and clients’ back side but optimize for future business opportunities and value.

The leverage that negotiation-savvy lawyers have is limitless.

Get ahead of the curve!

And firms have started to notice: Big corporates like Deutsche Bank, Amazon or Google are establishing entire Negotiation Departments (see my interview with VP Deal Expert at Deutsche Bank here). Boutique Law Firms are gaining leverage and setting themselves apart as negotiation experts (watch this space for an interview with one small giant in Switzerland).

10 years ago, I switched my entire career because I was convinced that negotiation is the skill of the future for lawyers. I have never looked back.

My expertise today allows me to turn around the worst situations and create value where others see nothing but thin air.

And I am of course happy to do this for you – in fact, it is my business model 😀

But you have read until here, so I consider you a friend. And as a friend you come before my business model and I would advise you this: Get on the Legotiator bandwagon yourself!

Don’t walk, run! Start getting your hands on negotiation expertise as fast as you can! Because expertise doesn’t build overnight. It won’t take another 10 years until this shift has also arrived in your legal practice. Those who start today will be ahead of those who will realize once AI has taken over a lot of our mental work. Where are you then?

In Hockey, they say you need to “skate to where the puck is going, not where it is“.

I am telling you where the puck is going. The question is where are you?

Yours,

Claudia

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Unleashing your Inner Negotiator: Your 8-Week Workout Plan

In the last post Negotiation Nugget, we debunked the myth that negotiation skills are an inborn skill, and I gave you 7 tips to start training your inner negotiator.

Now, it’s time to take your negotiation game seriously and join our 8-week workout plan* to build your negotiation muscle and turn you into a negotiation powerhouse.

WEEK 1+2 – Warm-up Program: Boosting Comfort Levels

Objective: Increase comfort levels, view everything as negotiable

In this warm-up phase, treat negotiations like a daily workout. Start with small, inconsequential matters:

– Leave work early for an event.

– Personal coffee machine/printer/whiteboard in the office.

– Discounts at the supermarket/clothing store.

– New case/partner/team at work.

– Conference/training attendance.

– Neighbor cat-sitting during your vacation.

– Coffee discount (or free cake).

Remember, the goal is to make negotiation a part of your daily routine, gradually building your comfort and confidence.

Try to ask for at least one extra thing a day!

WEEK 3+4 – Ask for More: Set High Goals, Conquer Fear

Objective: Set ambitious goals, overcome fear of asking too much

Now it’s time to push your boundaries and ask for more than you think is acceptable:

– Instead of a 10% discount, ask for 20%.

– Request 4 weeks of vacation instead of the usual 2.

– Negotiate for both a new phone and Airpods at work.

– Upgrade from one screen to two.

– Extend remote work in Bali to 2 months.

Challenge yourself to ask for double what you expect, breaking through your comfort zone.

WEEK 5+6 – Go for “No”: Embrace Rejection, Fuel Creativity

Objective: Aim high, expect rejection, overcome fear of being turned down

Creativity is the key in this phase. Ask for things you believe are impossible and embrace rejection as a part of the negotiation process:

– 1+1 free at the coffee shop.

– Free inspection for the second car.

– 50% off dental cleaning for you and your partner.

– Discounts on your insurance or mobile subscription.

– Free upgrade on a flight or access to the business class lounge.

Remember, a rejection is just a stepping stone to a successful negotiation. Get comfortable with the word “No.”

And you would surprised, how often I have gotten something whenever I ask in a situation I expected a sure no.

WEEK 7+8 – All In / Final Sprint: Get What Matters

Objective: Pursue what’s important, negotiate for life improvements

In the final stretch, focus on negotiations that truly matter to you:

– Work-break e.g. from 6-8 PM.

– Guaranteed night blocked for yourself every week.

– Secondment to a desired location.

– Specialized training in a specific area.

– Childcare flexibility.

– Salary increase.

– 50% contribution to evening meals from your partner.

Whatever it is that will make your life easier, now is the time to go all in and secure what will make a significant impact on your life. You’ve built your negotiation muscle—time to flex it!

Let’s do this!

Are you ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level over the next 8 weeks?

Comment “I am in” below to join our workout group so we can keep each other accountable. Research shows that we are 10 times more committed to following through with something if we do it with other people and commit to it publicly. I will personally check in with you every 2 weeks to see how it is going and if you need any help!

To your negotiation success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

7 Steps for Leading any Client Meeting like a Pro – Even with no Preparation or Experience

A simple framework and universal tools you can use to make you look instantly more professional.

This Negotiation Nugget shares the exact 7-step framework we teach at The Negotiation Academy LLC and how the included building blocks help you radiate confidence and professionalism in any client meeting.

Client Interview and Client Counseling Framework and Steps

Let’s look at how using the framework and tools of these 7 steps can turn you into a master meeting host who exudes confidence, experience, and expertise:

1. Small Talk

The first few minutes set the tone of your work together. Make sure you show an interest in the person, engage in some small talk to create a personal connection, and make them feel comfortable and special. The better you connect, the easier your conversation will be and the more they trust and respect you. Arriving early and having prepared topics to talk about go a long way!

2. Agenda

This is your first step in controlling the conversation and making the client feel safe by radiating experience and gravitas. “Agenda” is a big word. In most conversations, you just need a few sentences about how the meeting is going to go. This can be very generic and without preparation. Even without an idea what the client will want to talk about you can already shine. Adapt a version of this:

(finishing small talk..) Okay so here is what I suggest we do to make the most of our time: Why don’t you first tell me what brings you here today/why don’t you update me on what new developments there have been since we last met/why don’t you fill me in on your perspective of what is happening to give me a fuller picture than what I have from having read the written documents. While you do, I will be taking some notes to make sure I don’t miss anything and after you are done I will surely have some questions. Then we can discuss some options and see how I could help you. Lastly, we will discuss the next steps, what it would look like if we work together, and what the fee arrangement looks like in our firm. Does that work for you?”

These are just sample elements, but do you see what this does when you start with something like this? It makes you sound amazing! Prepared, knowledgeable, experienced, and in the driver’s seat! First impressions matter, and this little opener together with your small talk will put the conversation on a promising track.

3. Client Narrative

Next, it is time to zip it and hand it over to your client. “Okay, why don’t you get us started?”. Your main job here is to NOT interrupt (I mean it, listen as if your life depended on it)!

We are all guilty of interrupting much more than we care to admit. An important question comes to mind, a reference to some other success that offers itself, a comparison, or our own experience. Research shows that this is a big no-go with severe adverse effects on your learning about the case and the relationship with the client.

Studies in a patient-doctor context show that interruptions of all kinds (questions or statements or completing their sentences) result in significantly less accurate diagnoses and less successful treatment. In 94% of interruptions, the physician ended up taking over the conversation, never returning to what the patient wanted to say at that time (now you know how I chose my doctors..).

4. Summary

This is the key moment to show how well you listen and understand your client: You summarize what they said. E.g. “Let me make sure I have got everything. So you are saying …” (summarize it all). Then you end with “Am I missing anything?“

Summarizing is a pro communicator power tool with 360° benefits for you and the client:

You are forced to listen better and can confirm that you have truly understood.
The client feels truly heard and appreciated (“Got it” does not do that job! Look at your client’s eyes lightening up when you actually summarize what they said!)
You sort your client’s thoughts and structure them for yourself and them.

This summary can already be the structure for the next steps in your conversation. E.g. “ .. I hear that we will need to talk about employment issues, incorporation, and data privacy. Shall we start with data privacy?”

5. Questions and Details / Counseling

Only now comes the actual legal talk. Starting with e.g. that Data Privacy topic, now is the time to ask your follow-up and detail questions and walk the client through their options like you always do.

6. Summary of Goals, Interests and Priorities

Towards the end, there needs to be another round of summaries that focus specifically on client goals. You know, that “client interest focus” that every firm has on their website, this is where you walk the talk! Find out what is truly driving the person on the table.

What are their most important goals and priorities?
What does this situation mean to them?
How does it impact their business?

As negotiators, we know that people will always bring us positions, but what they really care about are interests. This summary makes sure you dig for those before suggesting any action.

7. Next Steps & Fees

To wrap it up, have a small summary of what will happen next. Who is sending what to whom by when.

Fees: If the situation requires, plan to take a moment to explain fees. Most importantly: Own the topic! Don’t wait until the client needs to put themselves into an uncomfortable position to ask “how about fees?”. Because a) you don’t want the client to have to do that, and b) YOU don’t want to be caught on the back foot! Discussing fees is uncomfortable for 99% of people.. (or at least that is my impression in our trainings :D). The moment the client asks for fees, even the smoothest client interviews take a massive turn for the awkward with lawyers suddenly going “aaaah, well, usually, we, aah, do hourly rates, but we can also, aehm, see if we can maybe ahm do a package.. “

How comfortable would you be in hiring an attorney to represent your financial interest if they cannot represent their own? You and I know this might be independent, but the last impression and aura of confidence are certainly taking a hit.

So instead, prepare to mention fees yourself. This again shows that you are a confident and experienced professional (and you can keep it short and practice what you want to say beforehand 🙂

Summing up, print the 7 steps and focus on these four key takeaways for any client meeting:

Be proactive in using small talk.
Start with a small “agenda” to look extra routined.
Keep summarizing to show your competence and make the client feel heard.
Ensure that you drill down to what really matters to your client.

Try it out and let me know how it goes!

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.

Kids and Other “Irrational Negotiators” – A Holiday Special

They say people engage in an average of 2–10 negotiations per day. This must exclude parenting and holiday family gatherings. For those, we probably have to add a “0” or two.

Once you have little negotiators in your house, everything from putting on pants to eating lunch to leaving the house becomes a negotiation (read to the end for my favorite comedian clip on that).

My kids are now 3 and 1. They both started negotiating when they were around 9 months old (“I am NOT eating my breakfast, I want yours—points and shouts“).

As I am heading into a 3-week “break from work” (spoiler alert, it isn’t; see my Out-of-Office below), I thought I’d summarize what I have learned so far about how to negotiate with children and other “reasonable” family members.

This year’s word-for-word Out-of-Office reply for Negotiation Academy.

I must note that there won’t be any negotiation classes dedicated to parenting at the Negotiation Academy anytime soon. In fact, if you see a good one, sign me up!

But here is what I have learned so far about what a seasoned negotiator can use as a novice parent.

Let’s assume

Imagine you had a big fight with your mum or dad. Now you are home, telling your spouse all about it. They try various ways to help. How would you feel about each of these attempts:

Defend the other side: “I can understand their reaction.. I mean, you have to consider that they are old now and from a different time..“
Pity: “Oh no, you poor thing. These parents always..“
Question: “Why did you say that to her if you know she is sensitive about it?“
Advice: “Maybe you should call and apologize.“
Diminishing: “Oh, don’t be so upset. You are overreacting. It’s not that bad.“
Own experience: “Oh yes, I also had a bad fight with my mum the other day. She told me that…“

Do you recognize these in your environment?

Do any of these make you feel better?

I am going to assume your answer is “No”.

What would make you feel better?

How about an empathetic response: “Oh gosh, that does sound like a horrible fight. And it must have come at the worst time when you were already exhausted from the long weekend with the kids and guests.“

Better?

Most of us grow up having our feelings denied.

It’s the small things we were told.

“It’s not a big deal!”
“You are a big boy now.”
“You are just tired.”
“Don’t make such a big drama out of it.”
“You are acting like a baby.”
“Look how brave your little sister is.”

Sound familiar?

Yes for me.

Does it work to help calm down kids (or anyone for that matter)?

No, ma’am.

Enter a negotiator strategy for meltdowns, tantrums, and everything in between:

Acknowledge, don’t diminish

Here is one bit of advice we give for dealing with difficult negotiation counterparts. But brace yourself. It’s a tough one.

No one gets up in the morning thinking, “Today I will be completely irrational.” Everybody ALWAYS makes sense to themselves.

Yes. Always.

“But surely not this XXX person.”

Yes. Everyone!

I know. I told you this was hard to believe.

But it is true. People always make sense for themselves. So do kids. Just that they are little aliens who don’t yet know how things work around here on this planet.

Here is where our power comes in. No matter if we are with irrational seeming adults or kids. Our ONLY power is to try and see how what they are doing makes sense for them.

Because here is the problem: The moment you write them off as “irrational,” you have given away all power to change the situation.

So when you find yourself getting triggered into thinking “This person is totally irrational,” ask yourself this: “How does what this person is doing/thinking make sense to them? What information am I missing so that I don’t feel like it is making sense?”

Here is the 4 part formula I have put together for myself when it comes to my toddlers.

Enter the LSAT model

I use the LSAT model (such as a lawyer, I know).

It stands for Listen, Sympathize, Acknowledge, and Talk Alternatives.

In the past 24 hours, my kids threw a fit because ..

they wanted that orange juice right now;
they wanted to keep banging on the sofa table;
they didn’t want to go to school;
they wanted to be carried all the way home (at 20kgs..).

Strong-willed communicators as they are, they often land on the floor, making sure those wishes are heard by everyone in a one-mile radius.

Enter LSAT:

Listen (don’t interrupt, diminish, or offer explanations, etc, see above)
Sympathize: Verbalize to them why they are upset. It’s counterintuitive, but try! You might add your own feelings about it. “Oh, you really want that orange juice now?” “I also really like Orange Juice.“
Acknowledge: Find a word to describe the feeling. “That must be frustrating.” “You look like you are really angry.”
Talk Alternatives: Give them two other options of what to do now. “Would you like to walk to school or sit in the pram?“

Put together, this sounds something like this (imagine a 3-year-old who has thrown themselves on the floor and shouts off the top of their lungs)

“Oh, you really want that Orange Juice now, don’t you? Orange Juice is so yummy. Do you really like Orange Juice, ha? I also really like Orange Juice. Shall we have one after lunch? Would you like the one with pulp or the one without?”

“You are upset that mummy told you not to bang on the table. You really want to bang on the table, hm? The sound is fun. It’s frustrating when we have to stop doing something that is fun. I see you like to bang something and make a noise. Would you like to play with your piano in your room, or take the tennis racket and go down and hit some balls?

“You are upset that Papa didn’t carry you home. I know, it’s so nice being carried. I would love to be carried too. All day would be best!! 🙂 Isn’t it comfortable to hang over someone’s shoulder? (looks up and nods) Would you like me to pick you up and hang over my shoulder on the sofa a little, or would you like to get a big snuggle from Papa?”

“You don’t want to go to school today ha? We are having so much fun playing cars at home. I also want to keep playing. It’s frustrating when we have to stop doing something we enjoy. We should play again when you get back. For now, do you want to have Bananas or Dragon fruit for your lunch box at school today?“

I am still a novice at this parenting game but the difference I’ve seen between saying these things and “No, you can’t have an orange juice now we are having lunch first”, “We can’t carry you, you are too heavy”, “Don’t bang on the table it’s too loud” and “But you have to go to school” is tremendous!

It seems to me, that the default we have been shown, taught, and programmed to do – talk down the feeling, explain, rationalize, tell kids what to do – just leads to kids starting out being frustrated about the situation and end up being frustrated with parents.

Like in negotiations, when feelings are denied, parties become hostile.

Age doesn’t matter.

The language will change. The underlying concepts don’t.

If you have kids (big or small :D), I am curious for you to try out LSAT!

Please make sure to let me know how it went and what other things you have discovered that work. I am all ears!

Happy Negotiation Bootcamp, aka Holidays, everyone!

See you on the other side.

Claudia

PS: As promised, here is my favorite comedy piece on negotiating with kids by Michael McIntyre.

PPS: And a book recommendation: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

If you enjoyed this content, feel free to sign up for our free 10-week Email course on the fundamentals of Collaborative and Competitive Negotiation skills by clicking HERE.